a.)What solutions have I tried, and what were the results?
I have tried dieting, restricting one or more food groups, exercising, fasting, taking laxitives, taking ephedrine, throwing up, hurting myself for punishment, not eating in front of people, Jenny Craig, therapy, reading books, drinking coffee. The results were varied in the short term, but I still ended up where I am today, feeling fat, out of control, not feeling like I understand food, my body, how the body works, nutrition. But i can spout out facts like an M.D.
b.)am I still looking for a solution outside OA?
b.)am I still looking for a solution outside OA?
In perfect honesty yes. I still exercise specifically to keep from being fat. I still eat as moderately and sparingly as I can most of the time so I can be as small as possible. I would like to say no, but I know that I am still trying to eat for weight loss and work out for the same purpose.
c.)How have I used food, exercising, dieting...to escape life's problems?
c.)How have I used food, exercising, dieting...to escape life's problems?
Food/Dieting - I use coffee, jelly beans, diet coke, or in general eating at night to relax and to have something to look forward to after work. I look forward to the release of veronica mars and mindless munching after work more than hanging out. It's me time. I let myself eat nearly a whole bag of jelly beans two nights ago. I was exhausted, in pain and stressed out and I just munched and munched my way through. Of course it wasn't much of an escape because I have felt aweful about it since. It's in the past and I can't change it and I haven't done anything like it since. Today is a new day and each good choice is a step in the right direction. But I'm still disappointed over it.
I use hunger or skipping meals or restricting to help from feeling lost or overwhelmed in social situations. Eating in front of people makes me feel vulnerable and refusing or eating so little makes me feel powerful, and in control....even beautiful and exotic. When I am uneasy or insecure in front of a boy I refuse to eat "I'm not hungry" or something like that or I nibble as Scarlett O'Hara did "with disdain as if you weren't possibly interested in that buttermilk biscuit". I have always associated that with femininity and that's what I do to try to gain femininity.
Exercise - if I exercise, I can feel like I deserve to eat and to rest and relax. I don't deserve to sit down and read or watch a movie with boyfriend if I haven't exercised. Exercise makes me feel disciplined, even better than other people. I am above being sloth, I am above relaxing, so I don't have to feel insecure in front of them.
d.)are there any particular foods or eating behaviors that always give me trouble? triggers?
d.)are there any particular foods or eating behaviors that always give me trouble? triggers?
Jelly Beans, pretzels, tic tacs, chocolate, candy really of any kind, frozen yogurt, dips like pita and hummus, though I love it I want to eat all of it.
e.)here is a complete inventory or my dieting/overexercising/self destructive history...
e.)here is a complete inventory or my dieting/overexercising/self destructive history...
oh god, this is going to take a long time. i started when I was nine and I don't know if I have the strength to go through and relive it all right now. I'll come back
2 comments:
b. Keep in mind that weight loss is possible and likely through OA. And there's nothing wrong with getting food and exercise plans from outside of OA. For people like us, it's a good idea. But you'll be much happier if you use them to take care of yourself rather than to control your body. And honestly, if you could find the perfect diet and exercise plan that would allow you to lose weight, but kept you isolated, and didn't address the obsession or feelings, would you really prefer that to a spiritual and emotional solution that serenity and physical recovery in conjunction with healthful eating and exercise? just something to think about.
how are you feeling about your abstinence? is it hard? sufficiently challenging? do you have enough to work on? which is getting stronger? relief or stress?
"the more we focus on food and weight loss, the more powerless we become over it. Once we surrendered it, and dove head first into the steps and tools of recovery, the rewards came. Once we learned to love ourselves regardless of weight, the weight fell into place."
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