And here it is.

The explaination:

"It quit working, and in reality it gave rise to more pain than was ours to begin with.  Stil we pursued it chasing that elusive relief it had once provided.  We are enormously persistent people.  We don't give up easily.  We couldn't admit that our feelings of control were a hollow parody of freedom, a cruel joke orchestrated by some invisible jester.  We were certain that if we just kept trying, we could recapture that magic of the early days."

The magic of the early days, the relief that came from anorexia, from weight loss, from hunger, from being small, from being "needless", being in control, being above human desires.  I miss that.  I  miss it like a lover, because it was more effective than any man, parent or activity.  It was measurable and, for a time, maintainable.  Show me something that won't turn on me, that won't demolish me.  But you see, apparently anorexia did too.  So I have nothing.  No religion, no family, no relationship, no addiction that doesn't turn it's back.  And maybe that's the lesson of life, it's cyclical,  noone and nothing is steadfast. That is nature in general.  I am not steadfast.  I should let go of the need for consistency because it doesn't exist.  You read about people who have been the same weight since highschool, who married their first love, who's parents are their bedrock of stability.  But behind those stories are the ups and downs I suppose.  Noone is exactly the same weight thier whole life, noone sweetheart has never hurt them and no parent hasn't screwed up their kids perception of something.  Perfection doesn't exist as much as I want it to and as much as I think that it only doesn't exist for me because I am not trying hard enough, that is untrue.  Oh when will I find balance? Even today, I only have work at 5:30 and I woke up at quarter to 8am.  I have been punishing myself for not hitting the gym yet, I don't know what to do with my time.  I visited with my roommates, read, ate breakfast, laid down again, read some more and it's almost eleven and I feel like an idiot because I'm not productive.  Ugh.  I am packed to leave so I can do something, then go to the gym then to work but i don't know what that something is and I feel anxiety over it.  I have low energy today despite falling asleep early, I started my period, which I haven't gotten in over a year and I have cramps and I'm crabby for no reason.  

I HATE THIS

Step One Questions

1. What actions (or lack of actions) can cause a person to lose weight?

Actions that can cause a person to lose weight are exercise, eating less calories than are expended, speeding up the metabolism through exercise or supplements, sweating (a whole hell of a lot, but I'm trying to be thorough), ceasing exercise(losing muscle)
2. Which of these strategies have you tried? to what extent? were you consistent? 

Oh god, I've tried exercise, eating less calories than I expend, speeding up my metabolism through exercise (strength training) and supplements (ephedrine, chromium picolinate), sweating, I've never tried stopping exercise.
3. How have these efforts backfired?

When I exercised I have gained muscle and gained weight.  I have lost weight through exercise in the past, but not recently and not always in the past.  I have eaten less calories and lost weight but I have also eaten less calories (or I thought I was eating fewer calories) and stayed the same or gained weight. I have never really seen a difference in my weight or metabolism through taking supplements. 
 4. Does it feel like you're doing everything you should be doing? Trying as hard as you can? Doing everything right? Yes and no.  I feel like I have eaten moderately and worked out and I should be losing weight.  I should be an ideal body.  Except you know I don't understand what to eat so I eat wierdly.  I'm trying but I feel confused all the time. 

5. What more could you possibly be doing? Is this something that you realistically feel you are capable of doing/maintaining? I could be dieting more strictly, I could be working out at a higher intensity.. I always work out pretty moderately.  I think I could be capable of say running and doing intensive strength workouts if I had a trainer.  I'm not certain I would lose weight doing it though.
6. What in your history leads you to believe that you can control your weight? When I was anorexic and I stopped eating I lost wieght.  THere have been phases in my life where I changed something and lost weight.  When I was on the Atkins diet I lost weight for a good two years.  When I went to Japan I lost weight from just stress and lack of sleep.  I would walk for hours every day because there was nothing to do.  So there have been times where I thought I controlled my wieght.  But now similar attempts don't work but I wonder if its just that I'm not disciplined enough...
7. If you had any power to control this, how can you explain the fact that you have been unable to do so? the only explainations I can come up with are I'm not doing it right, my body decided it's not going to change regardless of what I put in it or expend, or I'm not actually out of control it's just my perception
8. What is keeping you from admitting that you are powerless? What do you gain from the illusion of power? Is that something you are willing to give up for a chance at something better? I want to admit that I am powerless but I have been taught and have seen that people control thier own lives.  I have watched people change thier body's for good.  I have seen people turn into athletes because they chose to. Every failure of mine is a failure I own because I have the capability to CHOSE.  I have the resources to learn and the ability to decide what I put into my body and what I do with my body.  So it seems that admitting I am powerless is a cop out for a situation I own.  I did this, I made the decisions that made me fat.  I want to give up the illusion of power but I don't want to mess up.  I don't want to give up the idea that I have power if I'm going to ruin myself again.  I want to give it up knowing that it will work.  But you never know anything will work until you dive in.  So I guess I'm willing :) It's funny because at this moment the song that's playing on my playlist is called "Giving Up" by Ingrid Michaelson and she says she's giving up looking for greener grasses.  

Long Time Coming

So I haven't written in a long time and well, frankly that's one of my chronic problems.  I get busy or lazy and want to just fix everything myself.  But tonight I am home so I am going to just let it loose for a while.

I took a break and I thought it was the best thing.  I stopped going to meetings because I couldn't fit them in my life for the last two weeks.  I stopped doing exercises and reading everyday and writing everyday.  I took a break from defining myself as someone with an eating disorder.  I have kept to my plan of eating (for the most part). I eat every two to four hours something as balanced as possible and I usually have it pre-proportioned.  Sometimes I have gone six or more hours but that has only been in a small handful of unmanageable circumstances.  I did maintain my abstanance!   and on November 1st I will have gone thirty days :) I'll get my chip! I kept up with my checklist except for three or four days where I slacked. I have even, against my will, taken a few days off of exercising.  And all in all I feel pretty good.  I ate and sometimes I felt stress but I would put it aside... I already ate it, I eat healthily, I work out, I'm fine.  I guess I'm babying myself a little bit.  If I feel uncomfortable in an article of clothing I take it off and wear something else and try not to think about it so as to save myself from self-deprecation (does this still fit? is it tight? are my legs bigger? what made them bigger?)  I just wear what makes me feel good.  I let myself do sit ups when it allows me to feel more settled and if I don't work out as hard as I think I "should" I divert my mind to something else.  I'm trying to relax and see the bigger picture.  The one thing I am focusing on is eating purer foods.  So when I am planning my next meal my goal is to find something as whole and balanced as possible AND I focus on what I'm craving.  Most days I really want salads.  and I fight it because salads are expensive but if I know that that is what I want, what will make me feel good about myself before a show, I eat it.  And that, my friends, has made a huge difference.  Asking myself "what do I want to eat? what will make me feel good right now?"  and then when I am in situations (like last night) where I was going on six hours without food and needing something and my boy fixed me something entirely reasonable (1/2 piece of focaccia with tomato avocado and parmesan) but outside my comfort zone I can eat it out of neccessity, enjoy it, and know that I ate what I wanted and made me feel comfortable the rest of the day.  This is a good practice for me.  I have to keep coming back to that because I will start to feel anxiety, especially since I have decreased my workouts. It's hard to see ballroom as a workout.  But I guess it's a little psycho to do 3 hours of ballroom 1 hour on the treadmill, conditioning and then a show.  I still feel lazy though.  

But now that I've had my break it's time to hit the books and call my sponsor and force myself to work.  I've made some strides.  But I can't rest on my laurels because ED will wait till I'm feeling good then hit me hard.  I have to be ready.

Ugh

I'm going to be brutally honest this post and I know that it's not going to sound good.  But in being honest with myself this is what comes out:

I don't want to do this anymore.  I don't want food plans and meetings and exercise plans and discussions.  I don't want to!  I went to a meeting last night in Santa Monica and I sat absolutely still looking around the room and listening.  All of these girls, these young girls in SM talking about fat and calorie counting, throwing up over exercise and horrified I listened but I took note... they were all fat.  Or pudgy.  Oh my god, these girls devote thier lives to a calculated nutritional existence and all of them are not at all the way I want to be.  I left there angry... Fuck It!!  Why the hell should I try?  I don't understand science or phisiology or anything.  and if I can spend all my time being careful and look like THAT then I don't want to be careful anymore.  I don't want anything.  But I can't just leave it behind because I came home and saw pictures taken from earlier that day and I squeezed the burning tears from eyes... I'm fat.  I have to always compensate for how thick I am.  Ugh.  Pictures taken by the boy and every shot he looks good and fit and I look thick.  I give up.  I don't care anymore.  Really truly all that matters to me is that I get smaller.  I don't need anything to taste good or feel good I just need to be smaller.  So how do I do that?

I just got back from Maia's wedding last night and my body is buzzing with the million things I should be doing to be productive.  I need to clean, workout, find more work, do my laundry, deal with bills... I should have gotten up earlier, I should be more organized, I shouldn't have taken the time to eat breakfast!!  I shouldn't be writing but I don't want to panic and I notice this pattern in myself.  Whenever I veer from my routine AND whenever I am around someone with a more normal stable job schedule I feel useless and messy and chaotic and a waste of space. 

Well both are the situation right now.  I left to see Maia's wedding and it was a whirlwind and I wasn't able to exercise in my usual way OR eat.   Really it was weird, It wasn't even that there were tempting foods and portions... there wasn't much.  I didn't find the time or money to eat often enough or enough at all.  I did have a bite of wedding cupcake and a bite of wedding mash potatoes and a bite of a cookie and other than that throughout the three days I was gone I had a bar here and there 3 garden salads and a whole bag of raw trail mix.  I spent too much money on the trip but it was important to be there and I don't regret it!  ANd I focused the whole time on the experience instead of food and exercise and routine.  I worked hard and I actually just let go and did it.  But repurcussions generally come when I get home.  However I allow myself today.  I will work out the way I want to.  I will give myself the time to clean and do laundry and catch up while listening to music and I have a few phone dates today too.  ANd a dinner date with a man that's wonderful but that I have to tell that I am only interested in a friendship with.  He's great.  But, 

The other situation, being around a person with a different job.  I've started seeing someone... sort of.  It was fast as they usually are with me.  and I really like him.  He's funny, he doesn't take himself or me too seriously, he doesn't work in my field!!, he wants a relationship, a marriage and kids (me too), he's a veggie who eats fish  and he cooks!  ANd he can talk me under the table which is fantastic!  He got up this morning at 5 (and everymorning) to be at work and his work is the coast guard so he had a physical fitness test this morning.. running push ups, sit ups  all before work and he spent the weekend climbing, running and camping.  Woah!  and so since he left I have been punishing myself for sleeping till nine, eating breakfast and cleaning instead of working out for a few hours.  I know the logic, I know our schedules are different and I do work out and have an active job, but I haven't all weekend and I feel like I pale in comparison. 

The other part of it is the physical.  I don't know that I'm ready to blog about it in depth right now.  I kinda want to give my day a push start and come back to it.  Lets just say, I didn't realize that when it comes down to intimacy, now, after the last few relationships, I feel embarassed, it's harder for me to be open, I wasn't like this but I clammed up last night when he was kissing me and I feel once again the desperate fear of being the rejected ugly duckling.  While we were being affectionate he said to me "you're so beautiful" and I just looked at him, blank.  He put his arms around me and whispered "you're supposed to say 'I know'".  It was such a sweet gesture that I nearly cried.  I feel so wounded and ugly.  How am I supposed to be a good lover if I need him to tell me it's okay to be complimented? 

Every Day

I am doing well.  I have not broken my abstainence.  But I want to vent.

Every morning I wake up and I fight the urge to berate myself.  To say and think horrible things.  But that doesn't mean the feelings aren't there and as I stuff them down and replace them positive things I feel a periodic overwhelming darkness.  I want to break my hips, to tear the ugly fleshy, fat off of my body.  I feel like I am shackled down by this huge, round, body. It's a punishment.  I am ashamed of this. I am so ashamed for people to see me.  and they don't even know.  The boys make fun of me for being a flirt.  They don't know that I picture bashing myself into mirrors and feeling the glass shatter and tear my ugly skin. I have been so positive and progressive and I know the more time I give to these thoughts the more harmful they are.  But they attack me anyway... attack isn't even the right word because they're always there just a few inches under the surface.  It's such a duality.  I am doing so well... and yet, I would love nothing more than the ability to cut into my sides, make them bleed, cut them off.  I want someone to knock me down, to keep hitting me, break my bones and bruise me.  I don't know where the violence in me comes from and it's scary.  As we speak I am sitting on the floor with my computer trying desperately to ignore how my stomach bubbles over my jeans.  and the thought of only exercising one hour 3 or 4 times a week totally freaks me out.  I'm eating more often and exercising less??!! how will I become small?  I will I become alright??

I'm not actually asking.  I know that the thoughts are just that, thoughts, ED, harmful.  And naming them is a step in the right direction.  I just wish there werent' so many steps.

Yesterday - this is a looooong one

I was so pumped to go to the meeting yesterday.  And I prepared for it.  But I looked for the meeting for forty minutes.  I drove up and down the street, I got lost and confused.  at the edges of my brain was a quiet rage, it's the demeaning rage that I know well, it says to me "you suck, you can't get anything right, the fates are against you anyway, you will always be a characture of a person"  But I fought it.  Look, you win some you lose some.  I have had a really busy last week and I am working on so so many things.  I have felt good and gone over one week without breaking my abstainence and that's something right there.  I felt bad that I couldn't, just didn't make it to any meetings this week and didn't connect in person with anyone in OA.  I have issues with secluding myself and trying to "fix myself" before others see me so I know it's important... BUT I JUST WASN'T ABLE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.  So, back to me, riding the bike yesterday in confusion.  After the clock hit 11:40 (the meeting began at 11) I cut my losses and made a new  plan.  Okay, Barnes and Noble, I'll go and look for Anorexics and Bulemics Anonymous.  There's no reason to not do anything, I can work on ED.  So I did.  I went B&N.  They didn't have that book but I had brought Eating By The Light of The Moon with me and my journal and I sat down at a table and went to work.  That's not bad! then I scheduled and there happened to be a Trader Joes next door so I bought my lunch and snacks for work there.  Not a loss.  I also looked at work out books.  I really want a plan or a trainer.  I don't want to panic or wonder if I'm training too much or too little, I want a plan, just like a plan of eating.  

So all in all, it was not a loss, but I know the further away from the vine I am the less nutrients I get.  I have to find accessable meetings and my phone must be fixed by this week.  The reason it's taking so long is that, along with the fact that I couldn't get the insurance company to realize that every time they "reset" it, it just goes back to its old habits, I also can't call on my phone to talk to them, so I have to be in a place where I can use another phone (someone elses) AND be able to stay on that phone for like, a half hour.  ugh.

That was yesterday.  And it ended up being pretty good.  I feel like things are going pretty well in my life.  I didn't even realize it but I have become... dare I say it?... assertive!!  It was brought to my attention this week in a few ways:

one. we had issues with the cradle, the cradle where my life hangs in the balance.  During a show the cradle dropped a few inches with me in it and then caught on the brake.  long story short the guys were freaked out and I talked to gary.  He and his assistant looked at me like I was pulling the diva card!  He basically said what happened couldn't have happened EVEN THOUGH IT DID AND THERE'S VIDEO PROOF.  Now, I am the first to admit, I don't know rigging.  However two nights in a row, we had issues with the cables not being tight because the cradle stopped and the ebrake went on before the cradle was all the way up.  I very calmly led gary through trouble shooting the situation "okay, this happened so what are the things that could cause that... okay what is most likely, what is least likely"  he just stared and said "well it wasn't operator error"  I responded "so it must have been mechanical"  "No, everything had been checked there's no way it was mechanical" "so it had to be operator" "no it wasn't operator" AAAHHHHH so you're telling me there's a pink bunny!!!  he asked if I'd feel comfortable just doing cradle the next day.  I looked at him and at Troy and said "well yes, if you think it's safe to do tomorrow, then I will trust you.  Are you sure that even in light of these issues that it is not a danger?"  gary "I think it's fine.  But, it's not me risking my life.  And if it's a cable issue, there's nothing we can do, it'll just fall and you'll get hurt or die, no matter what we do"  thanks Gary, truly.  I said I wouldn't do it and they called in the riggers and guess what, there was an issue and now it's fixed AND noone thinks I'm an idiot.  I calmly told Gary what I needed instead of just rolling over!  I am assertive!!!

two.  There's a certain man... I hesitate to use the term... that I was burned by.  I had thought I could just pretend like everything was okay and forget the fact that he used me, then, when he left me, he yelled at me and put me down.  I took it, we worked together.  I was kind.  His girlfriend didn't feel comfortable with him around me so he told me we couldn't be friends like we had been (great friend he was anyway).  I told him I understood.  That was six months ago and he hasn't been working since.  Out of the blue the other night I got a text message from him that said "why don't you like me? It seems like you don't want to be friends"  I was floored, not a word from him, my supposed friend, my lover at one time, silence for the last six months.  I remembered his birthday, he forgot mine... I fell off the face of the earth to him and then he asks me why I don't like him? Old Me is dead, the one that would have spent all her time assuring him that I adored him, that everything was fine, that I had understood why he had to act the way he had.  No way.  New Me called him so that we could talk... he didn't answer!!  I left a message, I said that I hadn't changed, that I had expected to be friends with him through the ups and downs but that he had told me we couldn't be friends and while, yes, I was hurt by the way he treated me, I was by no means holding a grudge.  However, if things changed and he wanted to be friends with me now, it was his responsibility, not mine to get the ball rolling since I was respecting his and his girlfriends wishes to stay away.  I hung up and instantly regretted how nice and understanding I was. This guy crushed me, threw me under the bus for his own gain, ignored me for six months and then has the audacity to ask ME why I don't like him!  I haven't heard back from him.  He's a coward.  I wish him the best, I do care, but enough is enough.  At some point I have to put my foot down and say I won't be treated like a rug. I don't need him and I don't need him to like me or approve of what I do.  I have been so worried that I would just drop everything the minute I saw him to return to where we were, but I won't.  I don't see things the same anymore.  This is the man that asked me to sleep with him after the break up of my life.  He told me it would help me, that he was there for me, that he loved me.  and then, after we did and I felt intimate and close he told me I didn't mean anything to him.  and he dares to tell me that he's been a good friend to me?  None of my friends ever told me that I didn't mean anything to them, that I was just a good time. That's not a friend.  He took me at my most vulnerable and crushed me some more.  He got back together with his ex-girlfriend and didn't tell me, I found out by walking into a party and seeing them together after I had been with him a few days earlier.  Notice would have been nice. However I didn't let it affect the way I acted.  I chatted with them cordially and vowed to deal with it in the comfort of my own home. and then when she found out from someone that he and I had been together she threatened to break up with him and HE CALLED TO YELL AT ME!! I was his scapegoat.  No more.  I don't hate him, but I don't need him either.  I love me and my friends love me and that's enough.  I don't need anyone else too.

Wish Me Luck

I am going to the 11am meeting in Torrence.  A meeting without J.  A meeting J hasn't been to first... this is my first meeting alone.  Here I go..>>>! I will report back :)

Homework

I feel two very different things.  I feel like my life is finally starting to thaw.  There are such bright shining glimpses of peace that I just bask in!  and then I feel like I am failing at everything.  Including OA.  I couldn't believe I slept through the meeting today.  I don't call my sponsor, in fact, because my phone is messed up right now, I haven't been calling anyone.  It's sooo frustrating!  and it seems my time has hit high gear lately, I'm tired and busy and I'm trying to prioritize rest and meditation and social time.  But I feel like a recovery poser.  Like everyone else did this better, more committedly, smarter...I'm judging my recovery EVEN THOUGH I AM ALREADY SEEING BENEFITS AND SUCCESSES. 

I love my checklist, I haven't broken my abstainence, I have done contrary actions that I didn't think possible.  My mind is opening and I am working really hard.  I am reading like my life depends on it (and it kind of does).  But I'm not as good at it as everyone else! ARGH!

PS. I discovered this...

http://www.anonymousone.com/daily.htm

Catching UP

I slept through OA this morning.  I slept so long I don't have time for a workout before I meet with the riggers for work.  I guess I am catching up.  Breathing in and breathing out.  Today is the first day I've actually had to skip a workout because I slept too long, usually I just fit it into another part of the day.  But unless I work out after the double today... somehow I think maybe that is my higher power caring for me too.  That will be two days that I didn't do a concentrated workout this week.  And that's okay because my body needs rest.  Perhaps with the proper rest I won't sleep through the morning meeting on Monday.  I want to be there.  

I have so much to write about, I think I will take my computer to work.  I promise a long post where I answer the questions my sponsor gave me about step one.  I have had to face a myriad of people... men, from my past this week.  

Still in the tunnel

I don't want to write today.  I don't want to fight today.  I don't want to move today. But I will.  All in all things are okay.  I just am tired of working through it.  

But, I am.  And that's important.  I figured since a plan of eating and abstainence are important, other plans are important too.  I haven't made time for meetings so this morning I took out my calender and internet and found meetings for every day this week and weekend until I leave for Niagra Falls.  I found multiple meetings each day because my schedule is busy.  I'm not going to lie... 7:30am meetings in Santa Monica sounds daunting to me.  But I need a plan and I need a schedule and I need meetings.  

I also need a workout plan.  It can be like my food plan, flexible, but I need it because I don't know what's normal and I freak out and I just want to get better.  My legs constantly hurt and nothing is improving physically so it's like I'm spinning my wheels.  I guess I have been out of control in more areas than one.

And yes I contacted people other than J today.  I am taking this seriously even though, often, I don't want to do it.  I resent being "messed up".  I resent being one of these people.  I resent needing other people and writing endless blogs about how upset I am or how fat I feel.  I hate that I am here. But I am learning day by day, that I am, actually powerless and that my life had become unmanageable.  

It Clicked

I woke up this morning and I'm fighting my desperation at being so large every day, almost every minute.  I look at pictures of my self and I can't hold back the painful pricks of water that build in my eyes.  I feel so helpless.  and it clicked to me, in-patient care.  It's so hard to drastically change your mind and habits while living the same life you always have with the same stresses and triggers and reminders.  So in and of myself I have to constantly decide to be different in my same life even though the other variables are the same.  and those meetings I am loathe to go to? That's what those are for too.  It's Thursday today, I have the internship and then Pirates.  I will find a meeting for tomorrow and read an online meeting today.  I don't know that I'm doing anything differently except I don't write anything down, purge or follow a diet.  So I'm crazy, crazy, crazy and I feel utterly Shamu.  But I am so sore.  It's like every exercise I do, even just cardio makes me thicker.  It doesn't seem fair... or possible!  

However, I am strong and determined and I have a great group of people around me, a stable job, a sponsor.  My body will find it's equalibrium in its own time.  It takes more than 2 weeks.  It does make sense to me that my body could hold onto things for quite a while.. I did abuse it for 17 years.  Oh geez, that helps put it in perspective.  Patience, I am patient.  I can be patient with help from people and from ... God?

I have a million errands to run!  But I spent the morning hanging out and having coffee with my landmate Maia and I have to say... I get it, human connection.  Now I go about my errands with a spring in my step :)

I have to work out Step One some more.  I also have to MAKE PHONE CALLS.  I balk at that, I don't like involving others, strangers.  Plus my phone embarassingly drops all my calls...must fix that! 

piece at a time, a bit at a time.  My checklist helps to keep me focused and again, I find myself thankful for J's time spent putting it together for me :)

The Real McCoy

I took that nap.  I set my alarm for a 1/2 hour and napped fitfully, my body cold and tears streaming down my face.  When the alarm went off I felt like an anvil was crushing me down and I was shivering.  More tears... what's going on with me? I felt so dark and sad.  I decided my body needed the rest so I got up to get a blanket and then passed out again.  after an hour passed I woke up of my own accord, wiped my face, put my tennis shoes on and got ready to run my errands.  I hit the gym, then work, then the gym before coming home again.  I don't know what snapped in me, but the nap was neccessary.  I listened to my body and rested.  I feel like I am burning the candle too much and not only that but my emotions are whack.  I realized that my panic over not being able to write down what I eat keeps me from experiencing the panic that comes from being overwhelmed by the massive changes taking place in my life.  So it was a relief and a horror to realize that my crutch is gone.  I don't keep track of what I eat and how much or how my exercise balances it out so I am left to address the issues.... I am starting to thaw.  I am damaged from my relationships.  I feel abandoned by every man that has ever crossed into my life... starting with my father, my brothers, the god I believed in, my first love, my first partner.  After Casey, I stopped looking and I stopped believing. .  What was the point. God was an illusion.  Family was a societal myth like santa clause.  ANd love? Love was a romantic ideal that had no practical purpose.  Men saw women as a neccessary resource and nothing more.  or worse, sometimes just a recreational vehical.  Something to be used to feel powerful and pleasure.  I fight with those thoughts, which is hard because the inner battle is between experience over ideals.  My experience has always been thus and I don't know why I should believe any different.  So now, it seems to be raining men in my life and I think.. maybe? but it's like their touch burns me.  I recoil in fear and protect myself.  This isn't me? but I find myself going over the logistics and rationale behind relationships and love in general.  Scary dark abyss on one hand.  but letting go of the idea of a good relationship means I don't have to scar myself anymore.  It might just be temporary.  I keep telling myself.. this is a stage in life, you don't need to force it.  When a man is safe and good to you and love is there, you will know and these defenses, this darkness will fall away .  But I am having a hard time believing it.  

And the other thing is I struggle to find connection.  My secret fear is that there is too much darkness inside me to be loved, to be connected. That I must now, only have surface physical relationships with men and progress in my career, in measurable success because I am incapable now of believing, of connecting on the utmost inner level.  Every man I talk to seems to have a very shallow understanding of life, grief, love.  and that, for me, is the essential.  Keane says :"Oh simple thing, where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on... is this the place, we used to love, is this the place I've been dreaming of"  and I seem to have the same questions screaming in my head.  Where have you gone? I used to be so shiny, so glistening in my beliefs.  ANd now, oh now, my tree is fallen too, just like Keane's.  How could I, the most vivid of warriors fall? Was I, as my dad implied, built to be abused? I was made "by God" to be strong and sturdy to withstand the weaknesses and needs of others.  and I try to live up to that, but I have found that I have a limit.  Will anyone love this circus of a woman? Does love exist? not in my world.  Love is dead.  Love is the smoke screen and "knowing" that tackles that shimmery, ethereal part of me and makes me gray and dull and aching.  and counting every calorie and finding something measurable to judge my life by has kept me sane.  and now it is gone.  and since I have found that no-one will love me like I love me, I don't want to try, I don't want to wait and see if they will push me down because I know they will.  If not physically, then verbally, emotionally.  I will be cut down and I can't allow that to happen right now.  I am not strong enough anymore.  I need to shelter myself and mourn until I grow strong enough.  Once I am strong enough I can let someone in again. but then... i won't need them, so, will I want them? I used to think vulnerability, built intimacy.  But now I know, too much vulnerability at one time is too tempting for the ones who need power, and men struggle with power especially.  So it is too much to offer yourself as vulnerable to a man who has not been around you for a period of time unromantically.  Its like waving a steak in front of a lion.  Or maybe I've met the wrong people.  Am I too damaged? Am I too broken? Please tell me these things are not true.  Tell me love exists.  Tell me.  Please.

Argh.

I'm frustrated, again.  I am exhauseted and no amount of sleep helps me feel even remotely energetic.  And I have so much to do that even writing this is, I am feeling anxious but I know that I'm not being productive since I'm so anxious.  Why? I am depressed, I can't think of anything that would make me feel better than to just get back in bed and stay there until I had to go to work. I felt that way yesterday and because of that I had to work out at night because I napped instead of of working out earlier.  I am so so so very full of anxiety and tired.  I can't get everything done, I don't know where to start and on top of all that I am having withdrawls from writing everything down. I have no way to quantify how much I've eaten in regards to how much I've exercised and while I know that was the point I feel so frantic over it.  But I HAVE TO BE PRODUCTIVE.  God, even writing this takes up time.  Okay, I might just lay back down, all I want to do is cry and I don't know why.  My life feels so unmanageable.  I eat and I don't want to.  I DON'T WANT TO.  I don't want to rest and I don't want to sit here crying and I am so helpless to what my body wants and what everyone else wants that what I want doesn't get addressed.  I want to have gone to the gym first thing, then worked on the event, then written then gotten everything else done that I have been putting off because I am tired for no apparent reason.  I rest, I work out minimally... I have been doing one hour walking workouts and nothing else but push ups and sit ups for over a month because my muscles are so tired all the time. I am too tired to run.  When I get out of bed my legs hurt like I have been doing squats all night.  I even canceled ballroom today, I am so tired and my lymph nodes are swollen and I am overwhelmed.  Okay, I wrote it out.  I am going to lie down and let myself cry even though it feels lame and like a big waste of my time, that I don't have enough of.  Can i just hide for a couple days?  No, I can't.  I need to figure out why I am sad enough to cry.

And then I read this:

Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full-on metamorphosis. -Martha Beck

This is my metamorphosis.  I am altering my definition of self.  I have to become.... I was going to say a butterfly, but does a moth know what it will become?  I don't.  I don't know but I know that I will become....

Derail #1

And this is how it goes:

I went to see my sponsor yesterday and all the stuff we talked about really clicked.  I left with a chart and feeling pretty good, having sat around in a swimsuit for the first time in ages seeing as I'm usually feeling like I'd rather die. 

THen I go to see my friends, a couple, one is a performer and we were going to see her show.  The non-performer and I are pretty close.  The performer and I are not.  She is a severe bulemic as well.  and that is all the non performer talked about yesterday, that and how everybody keeps telling her how perfect her body is.  I was doing my affirmations and then, we saw her perform and I started to harden.  She's doing so well and she's so beautiful and she's such a bitch a lot of the time, cruel to her partner and she's given me diet advice before! and then the two of them laugh because they know she doesn't diet, she eats like 10,000 calories and throws them all up and it's so unfair.  I'm just going to vent.  I am twice her size and I eat less than a third of those calories, I work out 3 times as much and I eat healthy and why WHY? She looks perfect, a perfect muscular body that her directors praise and people just adore her and on top of all that she just had a physical for a game show and they told her that she was medically perfect.  She's been binging and purging for 3.5 years and really, nothing? I was totally derailed yesterday.  I am, as she would say, a pansy for doing this program.  I want an excuse to eat normal and be normal when she and others can be elite, I cannot be elite.  I hate how I felt, I hate that I see in front of me the pics of me when I was anorexic and I got all the good dance roles and I think, why am I doing this? Oh yeah, I haven't been a successful anorexic for years now. but the rest of the night I couldn't stand to be in my skin and I couldn't stand to hang out with her and I had this deep longing to slash my arms and my hips.  Why?  I instead said I was tired and wanted to go home but I had ridden with the other friend so I waited and came home at 1am and despite feeling fat and ugly I was starving which sucked.  I had a clif bar before bed and then tried to just pass out quickly.  But I still feel bad so I have to try harder to defy ED, I do.  ANd I"m not sure why because I don't know that it matters but I'm going to anyway.  I remind myself that it wasn't working anymore for me.  So this is new.  It's funny because in all honesty, I don't eat that different now but I eat with different purposes.  That will make a difference?  I hope so.  I'm off to the gym.  I only skipped the OA meeting this morning because I am exhausted, and I still am and I feel like I'm getting sick :(  I could totally climb back in bed for another 3 hours but I have double shows today. 

I guess I am powerless over food.  I don't know what to do and when to do it.  I'm thankful for my checklist today, very thankful. 

Break from the rehash...

It's exciting to me that my life is such a paradox.  Here I am starting to trudge through heavy emotional stuff and along side it I am experiencing some of the best, most beautiful things yet.  Yesterday, I was riding to work from ballroom rehearsal and I was thinking, as usual.  I have just started rehearsing with Dale, my partner.  And he's very easy to get along with and puts me right at ease.  But man he can plow through a rehearsal.  Twice a week I'm sweating my ass off to the samba, rumba, cha cha, jive in high heels and three hours go by with no break.  He's tireless.  Yesterday, after working on a routine he created for a showcase (a Paso Doble... oooohhh sounds so cool) he looked at me and said "do you want to grab a cup of coffee?"  I think I dropped my jaw and just stared at him and then followed him in my cut off sweats and sparkly heels to the IHOP next door and we spent an hour, well drinking water and OJ because frankly, coffee sounded aweful in the 90 something heat.  He chatted and started asking me questions, what are my hobbies, where's my family.  After an hour of "bonding" we went back to the studio and rehearsed till my feet fell off.  But on my way to work I thought, I am so lucky, so very lucky.  I have so many forms of friendship and love and connection in my life.  I worried that I would want for a relationship and never be satisified.  I worried that I would never have a family... these two things being my first and deepest wounds, a turbulent conditional family and cheating abusive lovers..oh and my spiritual disillusionment.  And here I am with all my needs met.  I have my best friend that I have never been closer to. I have an absolute gaggle of men that I work with that swing between father's brother's and safe guys to flirt with (and a few not safe to flirt with that I run from, ha ha).  I have a family living in the house in front of me that I have morning coffee with, walk their dog (or at least talk about walking thier dog) and play with their baby.  The man of the house fixes my computer and motorcycle issues.  and now I have found a friend and sponsor in J.  I have no need for a romance, not that a desire is gone, but it is in the background with my desire for a Prius and just one pair of Manolo's.  I have never felt so full.  AND, at my worst days I remember that no matter where I go, the gaps have all been filled, always.  So even if my little mini makeshift families here disperse, I find more and deeply satisfying conversation and connection.  That's a huge load off of me.  Oh and then there's the higher power, I have a God again.  He's not clearly defined, but he doesn't have to be.  I believe in a God and now I am no longer an orphan.  

Mental spew... warning, I talk about sex

I have taken it a little easier on my workouts this week.  My legs are sore from the dance rehearsals in 3.5 inch heels I think and I'm tired.  So I still worked out but not like usual, which I felt a little nervous about but I also felt it was necessary.  Monday I had ballroom rehearsal for 3 hours then I just plod on the treadmill for 30 minutes before the show.  Tuesday I did manage 45 minutes and sit ups before the show. Wednesday 3 hours of ballroom but I ate lunch before the show instead of working out.  Oops, no oops, it was necessary, i would have gone over 6 hours without eating if I had gone to the gym instead.  

So today I had the internship in the morning and I'm tired because for some reason I couldn't fall asleep until 5:30 this morning.  I have been planning on doing a good hour of cardio before the show tonight since I've been gentle in the way of working out this week.  I have been panicking a little as I feel like I don't really have a defined and followable plan of eating and abstinance and I worry worry worry about everything I put in my mouth and the worry is exacerbated by the fact that I haven't left any time to grocery shop so I'm struggling to get food in every 4 hours let alone every 2 or 3.  I don't like relying so much on protein bars but if I don't eat them I don't eat sometimes and so I have one for breakfast almost every morning this week.  Today I had one at 10:30 then off to the internship and Cedering asked me to make soup for lunch.  I hate that I have to eat lunch with her every Tues and Thurs but she knows I "only eat veggies" and has been making soups for lunch and I supplement with baby carrots (and tic tacs).  So today I made the soup which helps on one hand because I know what's in it - butternut squash that I cut up, onions, garlic, water, vegetarian boullion and a minute amount of olive oil.  That can't be a bad thing to eat right?  So for lunch I had 4 baby carrots with hummus and a bowl of the soup and I felt aweful... I still do! Fat and bloated and aweful.  I practically ran out the door so I could go to the gym before work.  But I didn't go otherwise I would be there now and here's why.  Driving I all of a sudden was overcome with horrifying pains in my abdomen and it pushed out in what Melanie calls "alien baby".  My stomach was distended and as I drove further, hoping it was gas, embarassingly enough, the pain spread to my back and up my ribs.  omg, i couldn't move and I'm riding a motorcycle.  Logically I thought, perhaps I'm allergic to something or worst case it's my appendicitis making a reappearance.  But it was so painful I could barely take a breath.  I pulled off the freeway when I saw a starbucks sign and a thought flashed.  Maybe my higher power is helping me know I need to write instead of work out right now.  I can work out after work if I still want to OR I don't have to work out every day of every week.  It's okay to take it easy sometimes.  I had been wanting to write all night last night and all morning but my internet isn't working at home.  So I parked and practically limped inside.  I wanted to army crawl, but I thought, it's either food poisioning or bad gas.  I think it's my IBS flaring up.  Perhaps in protest to my attempts at not restricting my food? Either way, I took it as a sign ordered a coffee and hit the bathroom.  I feel much better, though still distended and here I am.  I need to put in the time to get the results, this is just as important as working out.  My mind needs to be healthy so my body can be healthy too... not to mention my spirit.  So that is how I am going to see this, I needed to write, to focus on my journey through ED.  I have been touching on it and thinking but I haven't really dove in yet I suppose.  I don't use at least one tool everyday so now I can start.  And I have to express that I don't understand my eating plan and how I can actually do it.  I got so busy and my priorities went right back to what they usually were... be everywhere, do everything, work out every day and as often each day as possible, remove all superflous food from diet.  I am not in a position to judge what is neccessary and what is superflous at this point.  I need help.  Why do I need help? because I am powerless over ED and it has made my life unmanageable.  

Deep breath.

A lot is going on in my life and I need to process it but I'm busy busy busy.  All the OA/ED stuff, I'm noticing through interacting with veterans, needs to take some priority instead of that thing I'm doing on the side to keep my weight in check.  Every I talk to seems to just jump in head first, rearrange thier life around getting over thier ED or addiction.  I never wanted to give it that much reccognition.  In fact I have felt so silly considering myself a person with ED.  But I want to recover so I am admitting it... I have ED.  I am making recovery a priority, starting now... or whenever I started.  I have a chip.  I have a list of phone numbers I haven't used.  I am almost done with my first book "Eating By The Light of The Moon".  I am working on step one.  I have a sponsor.  I emailed someone.  NOW I need to look up meetings for every day of the week and go to them.  Ugh.  I mean, yay ;)  Then I need to discuss whats stressing me out about my plan of eating.  I guess I just want to know, is it okay to say to be relaxed in what foods I eat? I feel bad about eating carbohydrates especially at night and then I think "no I'm supposed to eat these" and then I feel indulgent if I do. Is it okay or right to eat sugar every couple of days... ie. yesterday I had a bowl of frozen yogurt after my lunch garden salad.  is it okay to eat my fifth meal at midnight? what am I supposed to be focusing on?  what am I abstaining from? I am still taking the supplements Jaye told me to take - one Bronkaide in the morning and two Energy Uptime before a show.  Bronkaide has ephedrine in it and the other just has Bvitamins, Guarana, COQ10 and stuff.  how am I supposed to be viewing my workouts? How do I judge what to do for working out and when I'm being crazy? are all these questions obsessive? 

I have a friend in NA who started talking to me about it and I told him I am going to OA.  He said he has an extra AA Big Book he wants to give me and he wants to come to a meeting with me... I don't think that's going to work :) but it was nice for him to take an interest. I work with him and so does J and while I am fine with him knowing about me, that's my choice and I don't want to damage someone else's anonymity.  Besides the meetings I have attended are for women, and I rather like that.  I told him that.   I am good friends with him and have watched him on his journey over the last year (he just celebrated his one year clean anniversary!).  It was nice to hear him talk to me.  I panicked yesterday and he hugged me and asked questions.  he sought me out and I needed him to.  He said he'd love to go through the big book together.  He happens to be working on Step One right now.  He's also Catholic with a defined higher power so I'm excited to talk to him.  

I have gone out on a couple dates with a small handful of people but I am having trouble feeling connected... or excited.  wow, I am so distractable, I don't want to write about this but it's bugging me to the point that I feel teary half the time.  I don't want to feel broken anymore.  Ugh, okay, I'll just say it... Jos kissed me after we went out a few times and my reaction has not been this excited or curiosity or butterflies or beauty as I have experienced in the past (a long time ago, but nonetheless).  and I don't know if it's me or if I'm just not interested in him or anyone or I'm scared or defensive or smart.  He held my hand first and that felt nice but I'm wary.  I liked hanging out a few times because I don't have to entertain him, he lets me just be.  we go for motorcycle rides with me on the back of his and it's just time spent in silence with the wind and the road and I like it.  But the other night he kissed me and then I hung out with him last night and he kissed me and after a little bit of that I pushed him away, nicely, but I'm not ready to do anything and my knee jerk reaction was to drop my head and bury it in his chest where he can't see me.  What happened to me? I was the lets see what happens girl, the no matter what happens love is never wasted, vulnerability is the only way to intimacy girl.  She's gone and in her place is a girl who's sexuality is a reminder of every mess up, every jab and degrading remark, every shred of dignity and worth that was forceable removed from me.  Jos was so sweet and just talked to me for hours stroking my arms and at the end of the night I told him I needed to go home, he kissed me sweetly and asked when I was free next. And I can't tell if I want to be free again or if I want to never EVER EVER be free.  RC reminded me that I was scared of him and everyone else when I first met them and that I shouldn't look to far in the future.  I am afraid of having to sleep with him.  I am afraid of being obligated to just "get over" my uneasiness and discomfort.  That is what I have always done in the past... when I perceive as my obligation as a girl and the nice thing about being single lately is that I am totally safe.  I don't have to do anything that compromises me.  ANd I don't have to worry about trusting someone or liking someone that turns out to be degrading or embarassing.  What if Jos turns out to be immature and dumb and how could I  ever have thought he could be a good partner? or what if he just wants to get laid and I am humiliated AGAIN because now, for real, I have reitterated that I am some stupid whore.  what if, what if, what if?  It's like I have reverted to some scared little girl and in all honesty, when I take stock, I have no reason to be.  I am strong, smart, talented.  And I made decisions and took opportunities knowing full well they could blow up in my face but I am brave and I am openminded and continuously see the potential and the good in those around me... including boys!  How can I feel ashamed of that? worst case scenario, I find I am embarassed by either dating Jos or I am embarassed by changing my mind after seeing him a couple of times and then not wanting to or I am embarassed by realizing that he's just seeing me because it's a novelty and I have to face everyone at work.  All those things are, at the end of the day, not so bad.  And yes, I have to face now my sexual baggage, but that's okay too, good in fact! Because now, I can define what I believe, what I want, and who I AM... not in light of what my family defined me as (a prude) or Casey, or Shane or D or my church friends or work people, but me, who I define my self and my sexuality and my worth.  I don't have to be afraid and I am not obligated to sleep with anyone, ever.  And if I don't want to sleep with Jos even after 10 dates I don't have to. Whew!  Lots of venting to do... I'm sure this is only the beginning.  My questions about sexuality tie into ED.  I have, in the past, been afraid of my sexuality and scared of what I can't control. And I wanted desperately to disappear.  Twofold things, I hated sex after casey because it reminded me over and over that I was worthless and tainted and used, and I wanted to have sex because I wanted to feel used and pain.  Sex, even during my relationship with Casey fed my desire to feel pain and have something that I "wanted" that I derived no pleasure from.  It was exhilerating to know I could give and feel dominated and like a body without a soul.  It allowed me to get away from everything, from feeling fat, feeling useless, from feeling, because I felt pain and I felt proud.  I didn't fully realize the destructivness of what I was doing when I was in the relationship.  I pushed for more sex with Casey, seeing daily sex as the minimum... like I needed to hit a quota to be a good girlfriend, I need to do certain things... I had to be the best, most flexible, most satisfying, most sacrificing.  I had to. Anorexia was the precurser to those feelings.  I became anorexic gradually as I felt guilty about eating, consuming, being full, being content.  I wanted to be worthy through being sacrificial.  I could only find myself worthwhile when I was hungry, empty, suffering, small. oh, gotta go to work!  I will finish this later.  I feel like it's so morbid, but maybe if I write through it I will learn stuff and work through it? That's my plan...