I went to see my sponsor yesterday and all the stuff we talked about really clicked. I left with a chart and feeling pretty good, having sat around in a swimsuit for the first time in ages seeing as I'm usually feeling like I'd rather die.
THen I go to see my friends, a couple, one is a performer and we were going to see her show. The non-performer and I are pretty close. The performer and I are not. She is a severe bulemic as well. and that is all the non performer talked about yesterday, that and how everybody keeps telling her how perfect her body is. I was doing my affirmations and then, we saw her perform and I started to harden. She's doing so well and she's so beautiful and she's such a bitch a lot of the time, cruel to her partner and she's given me diet advice before! and then the two of them laugh because they know she doesn't diet, she eats like 10,000 calories and throws them all up and it's so unfair. I'm just going to vent. I am twice her size and I eat less than a third of those calories, I work out 3 times as much and I eat healthy and why WHY? She looks perfect, a perfect muscular body that her directors praise and people just adore her and on top of all that she just had a physical for a game show and they told her that she was medically perfect. She's been binging and purging for 3.5 years and really, nothing? I was totally derailed yesterday. I am, as she would say, a pansy for doing this program. I want an excuse to eat normal and be normal when she and others can be elite, I cannot be elite. I hate how I felt, I hate that I see in front of me the pics of me when I was anorexic and I got all the good dance roles and I think, why am I doing this? Oh yeah, I haven't been a successful anorexic for years now. but the rest of the night I couldn't stand to be in my skin and I couldn't stand to hang out with her and I had this deep longing to slash my arms and my hips. Why? I instead said I was tired and wanted to go home but I had ridden with the other friend so I waited and came home at 1am and despite feeling fat and ugly I was starving which sucked. I had a clif bar before bed and then tried to just pass out quickly. But I still feel bad so I have to try harder to defy ED, I do. ANd I"m not sure why because I don't know that it matters but I'm going to anyway. I remind myself that it wasn't working anymore for me. So this is new. It's funny because in all honesty, I don't eat that different now but I eat with different purposes. That will make a difference? I hope so. I'm off to the gym. I only skipped the OA meeting this morning because I am exhausted, and I still am and I feel like I'm getting sick :( I could totally climb back in bed for another 3 hours but I have double shows today.
I guess I am powerless over food. I don't know what to do and when to do it. I'm thankful for my checklist today, very thankful.
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