I took a break and I thought it was the best thing. I stopped going to meetings because I couldn't fit them in my life for the last two weeks. I stopped doing exercises and reading everyday and writing everyday. I took a break from defining myself as someone with an eating disorder. I have kept to my plan of eating (for the most part). I eat every two to four hours something as balanced as possible and I usually have it pre-proportioned. Sometimes I have gone six or more hours but that has only been in a small handful of unmanageable circumstances. I did maintain my abstanance! and on November 1st I will have gone thirty days :) I'll get my chip! I kept up with my checklist except for three or four days where I slacked. I have even, against my will, taken a few days off of exercising. And all in all I feel pretty good. I ate and sometimes I felt stress but I would put it aside... I already ate it, I eat healthily, I work out, I'm fine. I guess I'm babying myself a little bit. If I feel uncomfortable in an article of clothing I take it off and wear something else and try not to think about it so as to save myself from self-deprecation (does this still fit? is it tight? are my legs bigger? what made them bigger?) I just wear what makes me feel good. I let myself do sit ups when it allows me to feel more settled and if I don't work out as hard as I think I "should" I divert my mind to something else. I'm trying to relax and see the bigger picture. The one thing I am focusing on is eating purer foods. So when I am planning my next meal my goal is to find something as whole and balanced as possible AND I focus on what I'm craving. Most days I really want salads. and I fight it because salads are expensive but if I know that that is what I want, what will make me feel good about myself before a show, I eat it. And that, my friends, has made a huge difference. Asking myself "what do I want to eat? what will make me feel good right now?" and then when I am in situations (like last night) where I was going on six hours without food and needing something and my boy fixed me something entirely reasonable (1/2 piece of focaccia with tomato avocado and parmesan) but outside my comfort zone I can eat it out of neccessity, enjoy it, and know that I ate what I wanted and made me feel comfortable the rest of the day. This is a good practice for me. I have to keep coming back to that because I will start to feel anxiety, especially since I have decreased my workouts. It's hard to see ballroom as a workout. But I guess it's a little psycho to do 3 hours of ballroom 1 hour on the treadmill, conditioning and then a show. I still feel lazy though.
But now that I've had my break it's time to hit the books and call my sponsor and force myself to work. I've made some strides. But I can't rest on my laurels because ED will wait till I'm feeling good then hit me hard. I have to be ready.
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