Homework

I feel two very different things.  I feel like my life is finally starting to thaw.  There are such bright shining glimpses of peace that I just bask in!  and then I feel like I am failing at everything.  Including OA.  I couldn't believe I slept through the meeting today.  I don't call my sponsor, in fact, because my phone is messed up right now, I haven't been calling anyone.  It's sooo frustrating!  and it seems my time has hit high gear lately, I'm tired and busy and I'm trying to prioritize rest and meditation and social time.  But I feel like a recovery poser.  Like everyone else did this better, more committedly, smarter...I'm judging my recovery EVEN THOUGH I AM ALREADY SEEING BENEFITS AND SUCCESSES. 

I love my checklist, I haven't broken my abstainence, I have done contrary actions that I didn't think possible.  My mind is opening and I am working really hard.  I am reading like my life depends on it (and it kind of does).  But I'm not as good at it as everyone else! ARGH!