And here it is.

The explaination:

"It quit working, and in reality it gave rise to more pain than was ours to begin with.  Stil we pursued it chasing that elusive relief it had once provided.  We are enormously persistent people.  We don't give up easily.  We couldn't admit that our feelings of control were a hollow parody of freedom, a cruel joke orchestrated by some invisible jester.  We were certain that if we just kept trying, we could recapture that magic of the early days."

The magic of the early days, the relief that came from anorexia, from weight loss, from hunger, from being small, from being "needless", being in control, being above human desires.  I miss that.  I  miss it like a lover, because it was more effective than any man, parent or activity.  It was measurable and, for a time, maintainable.  Show me something that won't turn on me, that won't demolish me.  But you see, apparently anorexia did too.  So I have nothing.  No religion, no family, no relationship, no addiction that doesn't turn it's back.  And maybe that's the lesson of life, it's cyclical,  noone and nothing is steadfast. That is nature in general.  I am not steadfast.  I should let go of the need for consistency because it doesn't exist.  You read about people who have been the same weight since highschool, who married their first love, who's parents are their bedrock of stability.  But behind those stories are the ups and downs I suppose.  Noone is exactly the same weight thier whole life, noone sweetheart has never hurt them and no parent hasn't screwed up their kids perception of something.  Perfection doesn't exist as much as I want it to and as much as I think that it only doesn't exist for me because I am not trying hard enough, that is untrue.  Oh when will I find balance? Even today, I only have work at 5:30 and I woke up at quarter to 8am.  I have been punishing myself for not hitting the gym yet, I don't know what to do with my time.  I visited with my roommates, read, ate breakfast, laid down again, read some more and it's almost eleven and I feel like an idiot because I'm not productive.  Ugh.  I am packed to leave so I can do something, then go to the gym then to work but i don't know what that something is and I feel anxiety over it.  I have low energy today despite falling asleep early, I started my period, which I haven't gotten in over a year and I have cramps and I'm crabby for no reason.  

I HATE THIS