I just got back from Maia's wedding last night and my body is buzzing with the million things I should be doing to be productive.  I need to clean, workout, find more work, do my laundry, deal with bills... I should have gotten up earlier, I should be more organized, I shouldn't have taken the time to eat breakfast!!  I shouldn't be writing but I don't want to panic and I notice this pattern in myself.  Whenever I veer from my routine AND whenever I am around someone with a more normal stable job schedule I feel useless and messy and chaotic and a waste of space. 

Well both are the situation right now.  I left to see Maia's wedding and it was a whirlwind and I wasn't able to exercise in my usual way OR eat.   Really it was weird, It wasn't even that there were tempting foods and portions... there wasn't much.  I didn't find the time or money to eat often enough or enough at all.  I did have a bite of wedding cupcake and a bite of wedding mash potatoes and a bite of a cookie and other than that throughout the three days I was gone I had a bar here and there 3 garden salads and a whole bag of raw trail mix.  I spent too much money on the trip but it was important to be there and I don't regret it!  ANd I focused the whole time on the experience instead of food and exercise and routine.  I worked hard and I actually just let go and did it.  But repurcussions generally come when I get home.  However I allow myself today.  I will work out the way I want to.  I will give myself the time to clean and do laundry and catch up while listening to music and I have a few phone dates today too.  ANd a dinner date with a man that's wonderful but that I have to tell that I am only interested in a friendship with.  He's great.  But, 

The other situation, being around a person with a different job.  I've started seeing someone... sort of.  It was fast as they usually are with me.  and I really like him.  He's funny, he doesn't take himself or me too seriously, he doesn't work in my field!!, he wants a relationship, a marriage and kids (me too), he's a veggie who eats fish  and he cooks!  ANd he can talk me under the table which is fantastic!  He got up this morning at 5 (and everymorning) to be at work and his work is the coast guard so he had a physical fitness test this morning.. running push ups, sit ups  all before work and he spent the weekend climbing, running and camping.  Woah!  and so since he left I have been punishing myself for sleeping till nine, eating breakfast and cleaning instead of working out for a few hours.  I know the logic, I know our schedules are different and I do work out and have an active job, but I haven't all weekend and I feel like I pale in comparison. 

The other part of it is the physical.  I don't know that I'm ready to blog about it in depth right now.  I kinda want to give my day a push start and come back to it.  Lets just say, I didn't realize that when it comes down to intimacy, now, after the last few relationships, I feel embarassed, it's harder for me to be open, I wasn't like this but I clammed up last night when he was kissing me and I feel once again the desperate fear of being the rejected ugly duckling.  While we were being affectionate he said to me "you're so beautiful" and I just looked at him, blank.  He put his arms around me and whispered "you're supposed to say 'I know'".  It was such a sweet gesture that I nearly cried.  I feel so wounded and ugly.  How am I supposed to be a good lover if I need him to tell me it's okay to be complimented?