The Real McCoy

I took that nap.  I set my alarm for a 1/2 hour and napped fitfully, my body cold and tears streaming down my face.  When the alarm went off I felt like an anvil was crushing me down and I was shivering.  More tears... what's going on with me? I felt so dark and sad.  I decided my body needed the rest so I got up to get a blanket and then passed out again.  after an hour passed I woke up of my own accord, wiped my face, put my tennis shoes on and got ready to run my errands.  I hit the gym, then work, then the gym before coming home again.  I don't know what snapped in me, but the nap was neccessary.  I listened to my body and rested.  I feel like I am burning the candle too much and not only that but my emotions are whack.  I realized that my panic over not being able to write down what I eat keeps me from experiencing the panic that comes from being overwhelmed by the massive changes taking place in my life.  So it was a relief and a horror to realize that my crutch is gone.  I don't keep track of what I eat and how much or how my exercise balances it out so I am left to address the issues.... I am starting to thaw.  I am damaged from my relationships.  I feel abandoned by every man that has ever crossed into my life... starting with my father, my brothers, the god I believed in, my first love, my first partner.  After Casey, I stopped looking and I stopped believing. .  What was the point. God was an illusion.  Family was a societal myth like santa clause.  ANd love? Love was a romantic ideal that had no practical purpose.  Men saw women as a neccessary resource and nothing more.  or worse, sometimes just a recreational vehical.  Something to be used to feel powerful and pleasure.  I fight with those thoughts, which is hard because the inner battle is between experience over ideals.  My experience has always been thus and I don't know why I should believe any different.  So now, it seems to be raining men in my life and I think.. maybe? but it's like their touch burns me.  I recoil in fear and protect myself.  This isn't me? but I find myself going over the logistics and rationale behind relationships and love in general.  Scary dark abyss on one hand.  but letting go of the idea of a good relationship means I don't have to scar myself anymore.  It might just be temporary.  I keep telling myself.. this is a stage in life, you don't need to force it.  When a man is safe and good to you and love is there, you will know and these defenses, this darkness will fall away .  But I am having a hard time believing it.  

And the other thing is I struggle to find connection.  My secret fear is that there is too much darkness inside me to be loved, to be connected. That I must now, only have surface physical relationships with men and progress in my career, in measurable success because I am incapable now of believing, of connecting on the utmost inner level.  Every man I talk to seems to have a very shallow understanding of life, grief, love.  and that, for me, is the essential.  Keane says :"Oh simple thing, where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on... is this the place, we used to love, is this the place I've been dreaming of"  and I seem to have the same questions screaming in my head.  Where have you gone? I used to be so shiny, so glistening in my beliefs.  ANd now, oh now, my tree is fallen too, just like Keane's.  How could I, the most vivid of warriors fall? Was I, as my dad implied, built to be abused? I was made "by God" to be strong and sturdy to withstand the weaknesses and needs of others.  and I try to live up to that, but I have found that I have a limit.  Will anyone love this circus of a woman? Does love exist? not in my world.  Love is dead.  Love is the smoke screen and "knowing" that tackles that shimmery, ethereal part of me and makes me gray and dull and aching.  and counting every calorie and finding something measurable to judge my life by has kept me sane.  and now it is gone.  and since I have found that no-one will love me like I love me, I don't want to try, I don't want to wait and see if they will push me down because I know they will.  If not physically, then verbally, emotionally.  I will be cut down and I can't allow that to happen right now.  I am not strong enough anymore.  I need to shelter myself and mourn until I grow strong enough.  Once I am strong enough I can let someone in again. but then... i won't need them, so, will I want them? I used to think vulnerability, built intimacy.  But now I know, too much vulnerability at one time is too tempting for the ones who need power, and men struggle with power especially.  So it is too much to offer yourself as vulnerable to a man who has not been around you for a period of time unromantically.  Its like waving a steak in front of a lion.  Or maybe I've met the wrong people.  Am I too damaged? Am I too broken? Please tell me these things are not true.  Tell me love exists.  Tell me.  Please.