Monday, October 6, 2008
Argh.
I'm frustrated, again. I am exhauseted and no amount of sleep helps me feel even remotely energetic. And I have so much to do that even writing this is, I am feeling anxious but I know that I'm not being productive since I'm so anxious. Why? I am depressed, I can't think of anything that would make me feel better than to just get back in bed and stay there until I had to go to work. I felt that way yesterday and because of that I had to work out at night because I napped instead of of working out earlier. I am so so so very full of anxiety and tired. I can't get everything done, I don't know where to start and on top of all that I am having withdrawls from writing everything down. I have no way to quantify how much I've eaten in regards to how much I've exercised and while I know that was the point I feel so frantic over it. But I HAVE TO BE PRODUCTIVE. God, even writing this takes up time. Okay, I might just lay back down, all I want to do is cry and I don't know why. My life feels so unmanageable. I eat and I don't want to. I DON'T WANT TO. I don't want to rest and I don't want to sit here crying and I am so helpless to what my body wants and what everyone else wants that what I want doesn't get addressed. I want to have gone to the gym first thing, then worked on the event, then written then gotten everything else done that I have been putting off because I am tired for no apparent reason. I rest, I work out minimally... I have been doing one hour walking workouts and nothing else but push ups and sit ups for over a month because my muscles are so tired all the time. I am too tired to run. When I get out of bed my legs hurt like I have been doing squats all night. I even canceled ballroom today, I am so tired and my lymph nodes are swollen and I am overwhelmed. Okay, I wrote it out. I am going to lie down and let myself cry even though it feels lame and like a big waste of my time, that I don't have enough of. Can i just hide for a couple days? No, I can't. I need to figure out why I am sad enough to cry.
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1. No amount of sleep? how much sleep are you actually getting? Your body may just be catching up from being overworked for so long. Be patient. Trust that when you're ready, your energy will return.
2. Oh my Gosh. I so remember feeling that exact same way when I was doing Spy Girl. I felt like I was doing NOTHING. I wasn't working out at all. All I was doing was riding my bicycle to and from work (which is basically the same as relaxing) and shows (which are so physically undemanding that they don't count anyway). at least that's what my head said. I wanted so badly to workout and learn new things, but my legs felt like lead. I was so drained and brain-dead all of the time, that I couldn't move. and I swore i was eating enough. it made no sense. and if the activities I was doing was enough to exhaust me, then how was I gaining weight? The thing is, that being on the go constantly takes more out of us then we think. and I guess part of our disease is that we can't accurately evaluate what counts as exercise. I thought if I could just keep my body moving and burning calories at a low level of intensity all day, then I couldn't get fat. It just didn't work, and things didn't start to get better until I started working out LESS. For a while, you kinda have to catch up on rest you've missed, and you'll feel lazy for longer than you want to. It's scary, but trust and accept it. Then you'll start feeling antsy and energetic, and be able to do a much more productive intense workout. And if you rest adaquately afterwards, you'll be stronger and more efficient then next time. Things will fall into place. I feel your frustration. I've been there, and can promise that it gets better. Just Trust.
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