So here I go. J is right, I don't want to admit that I am powerless because frankly, I'm having a hard time believing it. My whole life I have believed that "I can do anything" and that I haven't done "anything" I have failed or am lazy. The belief that you are in control of anything is both freeing and condemning. But it always seemed to make sense to me. The only reason it should feel bad would be if I actually was lazy, otherwise it was empowering!
I have control over what I put in my mouth and when I work out and when I am lazy. Don't I? so this disorder or what seems to me to be this fatness is my fault and I have beat myself over the head for it... since I was 9 years old. The book explaining the steps says first "at one time most of us were able to do so [control weight, diet] ... so we persisted in thinking our thinking that someday soon we'll again muster the strength of character to check ourselves... and this time we' keep them under control" Oh that is so true, I can point to and continually think about those times when I... yes I! managed my weight and therefore how I was regarded by the outside world and myself. I found a smattering of pictures from the last 14 years of my life today and those points stuck out and pained me. 1. that was when I was anorexic... I remember to the last drop of coffee what I did and how well it worked and also how it failed to make me feel what I wanted. 2. atkins diet with my family and first year of college. I worked hard and the weight came off off off and I got dance parts and attention that I craved but I cried every day and my hair fell out in fistfulls and the emptiness was so horrific I used to envision myself dying. 3. giving up on it all... ugh I look puffy, but strangely smiley and glowey 4. back to school back to weigh ins, I'm puffy and miserable and doing The Zone, then attempting Atkins, then giving up, then Fat Flush, then... et al and nothing worked and my grades dropped because according to my teachers i was "15 pounds over my ideal weight". Harumph. I'm heavier than that now.... the list goes on too. and looking at those pictures I remember how tightly I gripped to whatever "success" I could glean, but it always passed. huh. perhaps my history would say I am NOT in control. That when i try to control my body it rebels. But why can other people do it? Can other people do it? Does it matter if they can or not? It does because I am tired of spinning my wheels and if admitting that I am powerless isn't accurate, then I am back at the beginning again. If I try this and fail... well I guess I am not really losing anything anyways. Oh my god, what if I try and I gain 20 pounds? What if I never stop gaining weight?? It seems likely at this point.
I guess I really am powerless over food, and, based on the crying and the yo yo dieting it seems that, yes, my life has become unmanageable. The more I write the more it makes sense. If I feed my body what it needs and exercise my body should be healthy. It's simple. Wherever healthy is , I guess I'm not in control of that, I can't force a ruler shaped body, I can't create long legs and big boobs. So what makes me think I can pick my weight down to the pound? What makes me think I can decide what I need and when I need it based on what worked for someone else? Hmmm, that does sound a little ridiculous. I do know what healthy foods are, even to the extreme... whole, non-processed, foods, clear water, tea, a variety of foods, daily exercise ( a mix of cardio and strength).
The book says that I don't lack willpower, that is not what made me like this. Really?? I thought if I had will power "like I should have" I wouldn't be this big, I wouldn't struggle, I would lose weight when I wanted and always have a below normal body fat percentage. The book says that I didn't decide to have the disorder and that I can cease blaming myself. and others.
Okay, this disease is three fold - physical, emotional and spiritual. I have to edit because I'm not completely a compulsive overeater. Now, in all honesty there have been times in my life that I binged. and I had believed that I continuously overate any time I went over 1200 calories. There are times that I eat 5 servings of mixed nuts at the end of the day or 3 scoops of protein powder in water before bed because I am hungry. Still I rarely hit 2000 calories. I have eaten 1/2 a jar of peanut butter... ugh. and half a bag of jelly beans on a cheat day and more than once a whole tub of cool whip. So yes, I guess I am a compulsive over eater too. I over eat one food the whole day because I don't want to even start on another type of food.. it scares me. However I have been doing less of that since I have been eating small mostly balanced meals throughout the day. And in doing that which I was told was healthier, I gained weight. nearly ten pounds. I DON'T UNDERSTAND!
which brings me to the conclusion of part one of Step One: " Most of us have tried to deny to ourselves that we have this disease" yes yes, I can agree, even at this moment I'm wondering if doing this a cop out on my part. "In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesity and the sef destructive things we have done to avoid obesity - the dieting, starving, over-exercising, or purging. Once we honestly examine our histories, we can deny it no longer; our eating and our attitudes toward food are not normal; we have this disease" Huh, well that was the answer to my questions. I have outlined some of my history. Just looking at my library would suggest I have a disease--- it's one third books on diets, one third books on sexuality and one third books on religion, beliefs and suffering. okay there's another part that's dramatic fiction too :) If I honestly take into consideration my history with food, diets, weight... I have a problem that I have been unable to fix on my own.
Part two of step one, admitting that my life had become unmanageable: "that these things didn't make us happy was surely due to the fact that we were fat. If we could just get to the perfect weight, life would be perfect... surely it would be exaggerating to say we were incapable of managing our lives. We certainly could use some help with the compulsive eating, but with the rest of life, we were doing fine" chronic depression, unhappiness, crying over eating problems? check! Those things affecting friendships and job? Check!
Childish self-centerdness of our willful actions.. ouch. Demoralized by our attemtps at self-control... double ouch.
So here I go, will, as the book says, admitting powerlessness open the door to an amazing newfound power? Well, i will say this, admitting power hasn't opened any doors. I am strong but I am unhappy. So my power has meant crap.
"First we grasp this knowledge intellectually, and then finally we come to believe it in our hearts. When this happens, we have taken the first step and are ready to move ahead in our program of recovery."
I am beginning to grasp it intellectually. I am working to grasp it intellectually.
