PS. I tried to post this hours and HOURS AND HOURS ago which added to my frustration. Now that I've napped, worked out and planned to hang out with someone tonight despite my desire to hide out alone, I am much calmer, I feel good. So the distress has passed but I thought the post was important.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Frustrations
I am so frustrated right now!! I just got home from the internship and i was so good about not beating myself up for not really exercising the last two days. yesterday I did a 20 minute walk in the morning and was too busy to work out before Pirates. So fine, Tuesday was off and Wednesday my walk and my show but that's it and then last night, after a whole first day of good I couldn't fall asleep because I was craving CRAVING sugar. I should mention here that my sugar cravings can be horrendous and keep me awake. Now my abstainance that I SET UP says no recreational sugar. I know it is a trigger. It is one of the few things I can overeat or percieve as overeat and then just be utterly depressed. I have intense physical reactions to suggar, instantaneous mood changes, heart palpatations, exhaustion. But I justified... I'm not dieting... er. I ate some of the candy corn I had left over from my last cheat day. I really only eat jelly beans, and candy corn during this time of year. I love it. Now I didn't eat more than a serving, I just felt like I needed sugar so I ate a bit and then I was able to fall asleep around 3:30am. But I woke up this morning and had breakfast which I didn't want to have and lunch at the internship that I didn't want to eat and a protein bar as my snack that I didn't want to eat and now I am exhausted and all I want is a nap but I have to work out, I have to!! How much lazier can I get? and I"m panicking. ANd my computer won't bring up the 24 hour fitness website so I can check on classes and I'm ignoring a friend asking when my next day off is because I all I want to do is get my life in order. I want to go to the gym so I can relax but I want to nap because I'm tired and I want to put away my laundry so I can stop feeling like a failure at life. so I am letting myself write about it so I can calm down, gain a little perspective. So, now I will lay down and rest because obviously I am tired. I will consider today my first day of abstainance. The 25th. Yesterday is over. I need to more clearly define abstainence and my food plan. and when I wake up I will go to the gym and work out... probably just treadmill and that's fine. I will call my friend back when I am rested and feel like a human being again. I will look into the biology behind why I have sugar cravings (I have for years). I am not in control. Whatever happens to my body is okay. It's okay. and most importantly it's out of my hands. Nap time.
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2 comments:
I am so proud of you. Taking a nap when we feel like we SHOULD go to the gym is really hard at first, but it's an important step. And good job not beating yourself up for a while! And don't feel bad for allowing those thoughts to creep back up on you. This takes a long time, and you just started. I've been working on this for over 4 months, and I still have those thoughts. The difference is that when I hear them, I know not to let them control my life. Remember: those thoughts don't help the situation or make you any more productive. Just keep practicing! Progress. Not perfection. Anytime you have to miss a workout for something more important, consider it an opportunity to practice defying your eating disorder. and understand that it will get pissed at you for disobeying it. It may get louder. Just understand that it's doing that because it feels threatened. It knows you're beating it, even though it doesn't feel like it. Stand strong, and call someone. You don't have to do it alone. It's better if you don't!
As for the craving sugar, there are many possible reasons. It's entirely possible that your body was deficient in carbohydrates, and you needed a high concentration of them quickly. The chemical, seratonin is important for brain function and has a calming effect. It's found in sugary foods and starches. Maybe the craving could have been satisfied by some whole grain bread or rice or sweet potato? maybe fruit? The fact that you were able to have just one serving of candy corn suggests that you are probably not a true sugar addict. There's a good chance that you can actually handle having reasonable quantities of sweets from time to time. If I were you, I don't think I would include a rule against sugar in my abstinence...In fact, it's not in my abstinence, and I am a sugar addict!
Another possible explanation for the craving is that your eating disorder was rebelling. As long as you have a shred of self confidence in your recovery, your eating disorder is losing. It wants you to break your abstinence so that you will give up. If you though eating sugar made you a failure, it would encourage you to do it. That's one of the reasons I avoid drawing clear lines for myself. If there is something to rebel against, I rebel. Honestly, I don't think you broke your abstinence by eating some candy, but if you want to start over, we can rewrite it. The most important thing is that you feel confident about it. Make sure you don't get distracted by the self criticism and forget to examine the evidence. Ask yourself:
how did you feel while you were eating sugar?
how did you feel afterwards-physically? emotionally? Set aside the guilt. Did you feel a legitimate chemical change? Why did you stop after one serving? were you satisfied? or did you white knuckle it? utter depression? heart palpatations? Are you sure you are a sugar addict?
Of course you didn't want to eat the next day! but that's not you. That's E.D. that doesn't want you to eat. He told you that you were bad for eating too much or something bad, and that you didn't deserve to eat. The fact that you defied him for 3 meals in a row when he was that strong is nothing short of a miracle. I am so so SO impressed. You were taking contrary action against E.D. without even knowing it. You're doing so well! Keep it up! It will get easier. Identifying which voice is yours and which is E.D. will make it easier.
Of course you were exhausted. Fighting E.D. is one of the most exhausting things I've ever done...and I'm an extreme exercise addict. Trust me. This is harder. Try not to call yourself lazy, or if you do, revise it into a positive affirmation. "I'm doing a really good job of listening to my body which obviously needs rest, and I'm going to take care of it!"
You never HAVE TO work out. E.D. will tell you that you do. He tells me that too. And as long as you do it because you have to, it will be very hard to enjoy it or be effective at it. Sometimes you have to go a while without exercising before you get the legitimate desire to exercise because you want to-because it feels good, and it's fun. It's an amazing feeling. Just hold out, and it will come. Try to recognize the difference between the compulsion, and a self-loving desire to do it. It makes all the difference. and PS...before you go and criticize yourself for exercising compulsively, understand that it's probably something that's going to happen. Like positive self talk, this is a habit that's going to take a long time to build. Be patient, but persistent.
My internet wasn't working yesterday, so I had the exact same struggle trying to post last night. I had a mini temper tantrum for a few seconds in my head, but soon decided to accept it and go to bed. I posted it this morning instead, and it was OK!
I love you. You are wonderful. You are worthwhile. And your spirit and personality are so vibrant and inspiring that even if you took up as much space as a city block, you would be a beautiful addition to the world. Even if you were the size of a whole continent, the energy that is truly you would be worth the space. We love you until you can love yourself, and then we love you more!
Step One: We admitted that we were powerless over our bodies, and that our lives had become unmanageable.
Answer these questions as completely and extensively as possible. Explore every hidden corner of your thoughts and feelings. Leave no stone unturned. I have found this step to be the most painful. Step 4 is uncomfortable, and 2 and 3 are new and scary, but they're full of hope and light. Admitting that you're powerless, and exploring all of the ways you've "failed" at maintaining control is extremely emotional. It brings up a lot of sadness and frustration. Just have faith in the fact that we've all been there, and can promise that it gets better-much better-in ways more wonderful and amazing than you can imagine. At the time, i didn't associate it with step 1, but while I was working on it, I cried every day. That's OK. Sometimes I was so hysterical I couldn't breathe. Take confidence that you now have a whole support group of friends who have all been there, and are more than happy to walk you through it. We're with you. This also gives you a perfect opportunity to practice your new tools for coping: reading, writing, phone calls, sponsor, service, meetings, prayer, and meditation. The more completely you embrace your powerlessness, the easier you will find it to the rest of the work. They say this is about progress, not perfection, but step one is the only one you must do perfectly. All that means is that you must have no shred of the illusion that you are in control of this. I have designed a few questions to help you come to this conclusion...if you are ready. Take as long as you need to answer completely. Write what you can. Be completely honest. Come back to it later. I'll check in with you. Call whenever you need me. I love you and believe in you. It's worth it.
1. What actions (or lack of actions) can cause a person to lose weight?
2. Which of these strategies have you tried? to what extent? were you consistent?
3. How have these efforts backfired?
4. Does it feel like you're doing everything you should be doing? Trying as hard as you can? Doing everything right?
5. What more could you possibly be doing? Is this something that you realistically feel you are capable of doing/maintaining?
6. What in your history leads you to believe that you can control your weight?
7. If you had any power to control this, how can you explain the fact that you have been unable to do so?
8. What is keeping you from admitting that you are powerless? What do you gain from the illusion of power? Is that something you are willing to give up for a chance at something better?
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