One Good Day

It's funny, I have had so many personal revelations just in the last two days and I have spent time thinking over everything and J spent a lot of time talking to me, but when I sit down to work on it or write about what I'm learning or thinking, I just don't want to, I can't get started.  I have this block, I feel so dumb... why am I spending so much time on this, this EATING DISORDER??  How dare I even claim to struggle.  I must be some stupid wanna be victim.  But I'm not, I'm a reasonably centered, intelligent adult.  Adult.  I am ashamed that I struggle with food.  I am ashamed that I struggle with my weight and size and with my mind, that I have had people at work of all places show concern over the way I think of my body.  I guess it shows, I guess you know.  and still I think how lame to need an outlet.  My life has been good.  

So I agreed to go to meetings and in spite of myself have looked forward to them.  But being there, listening, I decided listening was my role, not sharing.  I am not like these women.  I have been given opportunities.  I am not sick, I am just simply chubby because I eat too much.  I have no right to be here, except that I don't want to feel death worthy all the time. 

So I can do this in a non messy, non attention drawing way.  Go to meetings, talk to J, write in my journal and fix myself quickly and quietly so this can be a success.  

And then, oh horrifically then I felt compelled to SHARE, oh god, to share.  It's like my body and my voice had a mind of there own. I begged them not to draw attention but I knew I had to share, not just for me, but for whoever was there.  ANd then the most horrible things spill out of my mouth, things I have not admitted to myself I am telling a room full of strangers with real problems.  I am admitting that I hate myself, that sometimes, so often I wish and actually picture breaking my own bones and it seems like it would just bring relief!  Crushing my massive hips and my defiant leg bones, my ugly ribcage smashing into a million pieces. I am admitting that I feel like I need to apologize for taking up so much space in the world, that I am tired, so very tired of weighing and measuring my worth, my drain on the world.  I am shaking and speaking with passion about how much I miss being anorexic, being empty, being dry, tears threatening me because this is a devastating moment in my life, the moment I become one of them, one the things I should be good enough not to be.  I hear my voice speaking without me, telling THEM that I long to be empty, so very empty that I turn to dust inside and even as I say it I ache for its realization. I picture the dust and the bones and pray to turn into it right then and there.  

This is not the person I am supposed to be! and that is why I went but I very much wanted to quietly recouperate.  To fortify my life in silence and soak up others.  And maybe I will and I just had to say something then.  But to my horror, I don't think thats the case.  I am terrified that I have to fall apart yet again. Hasn't there been enough from me? Enough dramatic words and phases in my life? Will this end it? Please, PLEASE?!! I beg whatever God looks at me and laughs at my pain to let up, let it end, let it die here, please let it die. and still i long to waste away, God would listen to me then, would love me because I would be beautiful then, I would be less, I would be worthy.  But now there is excess to me.  

and so, here I am, messy again.  But with one good day under my belt.  One good blessed day.  I am working on step one - we are powerless, our lives are unmanageable.  Whatever my body is to be is out of my hands.  Out of my hands.  I fight it, that can't be true, this failure can't be a divine failure, it must be mine.  But its not a failure, because it's what I am supposed to be.  Burden, gone, for now.  I am lighter.  I didn't do this, I didn't mess up, I didn't fail, I am not wrong.  Step one, day one.

Song for today:

The Cure for All The Pain

Jon Foreman

So I'm not sure why it always flows downhill

Why broken cisterns never could stay filled

I've spent ten years singing gravity away

But the water keeps on falling from the sky

And here tonight while the stars are blacking out

with every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt

I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away

But the water keeps on falling from my eyes

And heaven knows, heaven knows

I tried to find a cure for the pain

Oh my Lord! to suffer like you do

It would be a lie to run away(...)