Step One

this is really a blog in parts. My internet still isn't working so I have to type at kinkos. That means I feel pressure to hurry. But I am both excited and nervous to answer the questions "Alive" sent me. I want to lose weight. I want this to work, it has to because it has become unmanageable. It seems so unfair the I have to admit that I am "powerless" because it seems that everyone around me is "powerful" Eddie can gain and lose weight and 6packs whenever he decides to. I am humiliated by the fact that I have been working so hard and not only has it not worked I am now at the very highest weight I have gotten. So far. At this point I have this fear that no matter what I do I will continue to gain weight until I explode and yes it scares me. My roommate berated me for not being able to accept myself. She said I am always going to fail because I use the word "try", because I get upset and worried. She said there are so many more important things in life than my body and maybe I should consider a different career. I nodded and apologized and then proceeded to cry alone because the thing is I do feel stupid that this is such a big deal to me and I do feel guilty because I know of all the problems in the world I should be able to look at myself in the mirror and say "wow I'm beautiful" every day as she suggested...but I can't. If I am powerless, why am I powerless. Other people are powerful.

However that doesn't change the fact that for all intents and purposes I really am powerless. I worked out today. 4 hours of dance rehearsal, a show and an hour on the treadmill. still heavier. I am working hard at eating the right foods at the right times though admittedly because of poor scheduling I had 1000 calories today. and on top of all that all signs point to me never kicking this until I don't know how many calories I had today.

I am still frustrated. I asked God... if you want me to trust in you and work with you, you have to help me too. I need your help because right now I don't believe that anything will every work except totally cessation of eating. So... help?