However, I am strong and determined and I have a great group of people around me, a stable job, a sponsor. My body will find it's equalibrium in its own time. It takes more than 2 weeks. It does make sense to me that my body could hold onto things for quite a while.. I did abuse it for 17 years. Oh geez, that helps put it in perspective. Patience, I am patient. I can be patient with help from people and from ... God?
Thursday, October 9, 2008
It Clicked
I woke up this morning and I'm fighting my desperation at being so large every day, almost every minute. I look at pictures of my self and I can't hold back the painful pricks of water that build in my eyes. I feel so helpless. and it clicked to me, in-patient care. It's so hard to drastically change your mind and habits while living the same life you always have with the same stresses and triggers and reminders. So in and of myself I have to constantly decide to be different in my same life even though the other variables are the same. and those meetings I am loathe to go to? That's what those are for too. It's Thursday today, I have the internship and then Pirates. I will find a meeting for tomorrow and read an online meeting today. I don't know that I'm doing anything differently except I don't write anything down, purge or follow a diet. So I'm crazy, crazy, crazy and I feel utterly Shamu. But I am so sore. It's like every exercise I do, even just cardio makes me thicker. It doesn't seem fair... or possible!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
"In the row boat of recovery, I have 2 main oars. One is the steps, and the other is fellowship. If I use only one, I just go in circles."
In this case, fellowship refers to the interaction between you and others who share your problem, and way of thinking. One person is not enough. The primary source is meetings. The more you go, the more you will relate to; the more you will hear your story coming out of other peoples mouths. This is where you make amazing connections and friendships. Sometimes they're practically instantaneous, and sometimes the relationships take a long time to build, but you need the support of others with eating disorders. Most people don't like the meetings at first, and are bitter that they have to go. I was, until I heard what I needed to hear, and saw a room full of potential friends. "Keep coming back until you get it, and then you won't want to leave." There's a great meeting friday morning at 10 in that same place in Costa Mesa if you can manage it. I can't make it there, but you should totally go if you can. otherwise, try something closer to you. Ask Amber. Remember? she said she knew some good ones.
Post a Comment