Mental spew... warning, I talk about sex

I have taken it a little easier on my workouts this week.  My legs are sore from the dance rehearsals in 3.5 inch heels I think and I'm tired.  So I still worked out but not like usual, which I felt a little nervous about but I also felt it was necessary.  Monday I had ballroom rehearsal for 3 hours then I just plod on the treadmill for 30 minutes before the show.  Tuesday I did manage 45 minutes and sit ups before the show. Wednesday 3 hours of ballroom but I ate lunch before the show instead of working out.  Oops, no oops, it was necessary, i would have gone over 6 hours without eating if I had gone to the gym instead.  

So today I had the internship in the morning and I'm tired because for some reason I couldn't fall asleep until 5:30 this morning.  I have been planning on doing a good hour of cardio before the show tonight since I've been gentle in the way of working out this week.  I have been panicking a little as I feel like I don't really have a defined and followable plan of eating and abstinance and I worry worry worry about everything I put in my mouth and the worry is exacerbated by the fact that I haven't left any time to grocery shop so I'm struggling to get food in every 4 hours let alone every 2 or 3.  I don't like relying so much on protein bars but if I don't eat them I don't eat sometimes and so I have one for breakfast almost every morning this week.  Today I had one at 10:30 then off to the internship and Cedering asked me to make soup for lunch.  I hate that I have to eat lunch with her every Tues and Thurs but she knows I "only eat veggies" and has been making soups for lunch and I supplement with baby carrots (and tic tacs).  So today I made the soup which helps on one hand because I know what's in it - butternut squash that I cut up, onions, garlic, water, vegetarian boullion and a minute amount of olive oil.  That can't be a bad thing to eat right?  So for lunch I had 4 baby carrots with hummus and a bowl of the soup and I felt aweful... I still do! Fat and bloated and aweful.  I practically ran out the door so I could go to the gym before work.  But I didn't go otherwise I would be there now and here's why.  Driving I all of a sudden was overcome with horrifying pains in my abdomen and it pushed out in what Melanie calls "alien baby".  My stomach was distended and as I drove further, hoping it was gas, embarassingly enough, the pain spread to my back and up my ribs.  omg, i couldn't move and I'm riding a motorcycle.  Logically I thought, perhaps I'm allergic to something or worst case it's my appendicitis making a reappearance.  But it was so painful I could barely take a breath.  I pulled off the freeway when I saw a starbucks sign and a thought flashed.  Maybe my higher power is helping me know I need to write instead of work out right now.  I can work out after work if I still want to OR I don't have to work out every day of every week.  It's okay to take it easy sometimes.  I had been wanting to write all night last night and all morning but my internet isn't working at home.  So I parked and practically limped inside.  I wanted to army crawl, but I thought, it's either food poisioning or bad gas.  I think it's my IBS flaring up.  Perhaps in protest to my attempts at not restricting my food? Either way, I took it as a sign ordered a coffee and hit the bathroom.  I feel much better, though still distended and here I am.  I need to put in the time to get the results, this is just as important as working out.  My mind needs to be healthy so my body can be healthy too... not to mention my spirit.  So that is how I am going to see this, I needed to write, to focus on my journey through ED.  I have been touching on it and thinking but I haven't really dove in yet I suppose.  I don't use at least one tool everyday so now I can start.  And I have to express that I don't understand my eating plan and how I can actually do it.  I got so busy and my priorities went right back to what they usually were... be everywhere, do everything, work out every day and as often each day as possible, remove all superflous food from diet.  I am not in a position to judge what is neccessary and what is superflous at this point.  I need help.  Why do I need help? because I am powerless over ED and it has made my life unmanageable.  

Deep breath.

A lot is going on in my life and I need to process it but I'm busy busy busy.  All the OA/ED stuff, I'm noticing through interacting with veterans, needs to take some priority instead of that thing I'm doing on the side to keep my weight in check.  Every I talk to seems to just jump in head first, rearrange thier life around getting over thier ED or addiction.  I never wanted to give it that much reccognition.  In fact I have felt so silly considering myself a person with ED.  But I want to recover so I am admitting it... I have ED.  I am making recovery a priority, starting now... or whenever I started.  I have a chip.  I have a list of phone numbers I haven't used.  I am almost done with my first book "Eating By The Light of The Moon".  I am working on step one.  I have a sponsor.  I emailed someone.  NOW I need to look up meetings for every day of the week and go to them.  Ugh.  I mean, yay ;)  Then I need to discuss whats stressing me out about my plan of eating.  I guess I just want to know, is it okay to say to be relaxed in what foods I eat? I feel bad about eating carbohydrates especially at night and then I think "no I'm supposed to eat these" and then I feel indulgent if I do. Is it okay or right to eat sugar every couple of days... ie. yesterday I had a bowl of frozen yogurt after my lunch garden salad.  is it okay to eat my fifth meal at midnight? what am I supposed to be focusing on?  what am I abstaining from? I am still taking the supplements Jaye told me to take - one Bronkaide in the morning and two Energy Uptime before a show.  Bronkaide has ephedrine in it and the other just has Bvitamins, Guarana, COQ10 and stuff.  how am I supposed to be viewing my workouts? How do I judge what to do for working out and when I'm being crazy? are all these questions obsessive? 

I have a friend in NA who started talking to me about it and I told him I am going to OA.  He said he has an extra AA Big Book he wants to give me and he wants to come to a meeting with me... I don't think that's going to work :) but it was nice for him to take an interest. I work with him and so does J and while I am fine with him knowing about me, that's my choice and I don't want to damage someone else's anonymity.  Besides the meetings I have attended are for women, and I rather like that.  I told him that.   I am good friends with him and have watched him on his journey over the last year (he just celebrated his one year clean anniversary!).  It was nice to hear him talk to me.  I panicked yesterday and he hugged me and asked questions.  he sought me out and I needed him to.  He said he'd love to go through the big book together.  He happens to be working on Step One right now.  He's also Catholic with a defined higher power so I'm excited to talk to him.  

I have gone out on a couple dates with a small handful of people but I am having trouble feeling connected... or excited.  wow, I am so distractable, I don't want to write about this but it's bugging me to the point that I feel teary half the time.  I don't want to feel broken anymore.  Ugh, okay, I'll just say it... Jos kissed me after we went out a few times and my reaction has not been this excited or curiosity or butterflies or beauty as I have experienced in the past (a long time ago, but nonetheless).  and I don't know if it's me or if I'm just not interested in him or anyone or I'm scared or defensive or smart.  He held my hand first and that felt nice but I'm wary.  I liked hanging out a few times because I don't have to entertain him, he lets me just be.  we go for motorcycle rides with me on the back of his and it's just time spent in silence with the wind and the road and I like it.  But the other night he kissed me and then I hung out with him last night and he kissed me and after a little bit of that I pushed him away, nicely, but I'm not ready to do anything and my knee jerk reaction was to drop my head and bury it in his chest where he can't see me.  What happened to me? I was the lets see what happens girl, the no matter what happens love is never wasted, vulnerability is the only way to intimacy girl.  She's gone and in her place is a girl who's sexuality is a reminder of every mess up, every jab and degrading remark, every shred of dignity and worth that was forceable removed from me.  Jos was so sweet and just talked to me for hours stroking my arms and at the end of the night I told him I needed to go home, he kissed me sweetly and asked when I was free next. And I can't tell if I want to be free again or if I want to never EVER EVER be free.  RC reminded me that I was scared of him and everyone else when I first met them and that I shouldn't look to far in the future.  I am afraid of having to sleep with him.  I am afraid of being obligated to just "get over" my uneasiness and discomfort.  That is what I have always done in the past... when I perceive as my obligation as a girl and the nice thing about being single lately is that I am totally safe.  I don't have to do anything that compromises me.  ANd I don't have to worry about trusting someone or liking someone that turns out to be degrading or embarassing.  What if Jos turns out to be immature and dumb and how could I  ever have thought he could be a good partner? or what if he just wants to get laid and I am humiliated AGAIN because now, for real, I have reitterated that I am some stupid whore.  what if, what if, what if?  It's like I have reverted to some scared little girl and in all honesty, when I take stock, I have no reason to be.  I am strong, smart, talented.  And I made decisions and took opportunities knowing full well they could blow up in my face but I am brave and I am openminded and continuously see the potential and the good in those around me... including boys!  How can I feel ashamed of that? worst case scenario, I find I am embarassed by either dating Jos or I am embarassed by changing my mind after seeing him a couple of times and then not wanting to or I am embarassed by realizing that he's just seeing me because it's a novelty and I have to face everyone at work.  All those things are, at the end of the day, not so bad.  And yes, I have to face now my sexual baggage, but that's okay too, good in fact! Because now, I can define what I believe, what I want, and who I AM... not in light of what my family defined me as (a prude) or Casey, or Shane or D or my church friends or work people, but me, who I define my self and my sexuality and my worth.  I don't have to be afraid and I am not obligated to sleep with anyone, ever.  And if I don't want to sleep with Jos even after 10 dates I don't have to. Whew!  Lots of venting to do... I'm sure this is only the beginning.  My questions about sexuality tie into ED.  I have, in the past, been afraid of my sexuality and scared of what I can't control. And I wanted desperately to disappear.  Twofold things, I hated sex after casey because it reminded me over and over that I was worthless and tainted and used, and I wanted to have sex because I wanted to feel used and pain.  Sex, even during my relationship with Casey fed my desire to feel pain and have something that I "wanted" that I derived no pleasure from.  It was exhilerating to know I could give and feel dominated and like a body without a soul.  It allowed me to get away from everything, from feeling fat, feeling useless, from feeling, because I felt pain and I felt proud.  I didn't fully realize the destructivness of what I was doing when I was in the relationship.  I pushed for more sex with Casey, seeing daily sex as the minimum... like I needed to hit a quota to be a good girlfriend, I need to do certain things... I had to be the best, most flexible, most satisfying, most sacrificing.  I had to. Anorexia was the precurser to those feelings.  I became anorexic gradually as I felt guilty about eating, consuming, being full, being content.  I wanted to be worthy through being sacrificial.  I could only find myself worthwhile when I was hungry, empty, suffering, small. oh, gotta go to work!  I will finish this later.  I feel like it's so morbid, but maybe if I write through it I will learn stuff and work through it? That's my plan...