I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want food plans and meetings and exercise plans and discussions. I don't want to! I went to a meeting last night in Santa Monica and I sat absolutely still looking around the room and listening. All of these girls, these young girls in SM talking about fat and calorie counting, throwing up over exercise and horrified I listened but I took note... they were all fat. Or pudgy. Oh my god, these girls devote thier lives to a calculated nutritional existence and all of them are not at all the way I want to be. I left there angry... Fuck It!! Why the hell should I try? I don't understand science or phisiology or anything. and if I can spend all my time being careful and look like THAT then I don't want to be careful anymore. I don't want anything. But I can't just leave it behind because I came home and saw pictures taken from earlier that day and I squeezed the burning tears from eyes... I'm fat. I have to always compensate for how thick I am. Ugh. Pictures taken by the boy and every shot he looks good and fit and I look thick. I give up. I don't care anymore. Really truly all that matters to me is that I get smaller. I don't need anything to taste good or feel good I just need to be smaller. So how do I do that?
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the only way is to surrender 100%. No one can make you do it if you don't want to. I want to help, but I can't do it for you. I can't make you go to meetings. Try to remember what you told me before...about just wanting to be happy and free of these thoughts? If you keep coming back, you'll get what you want, although it might not be what you think you want now. Whatever it is it'll be better, but you have to want it. OA is usually the last resort. Most people reach a rock bottom before they can be truly ready. I hope you don't have to fall farther to get it. You're off to a good start. I hope you can just stick it out. Hard times always pass. it'll be better tomorrow. But some people aren't ready to surrender, and have to go experiment for a while longer. If you think you can find a better way, no one is going to rush you into this program. It's all on your own time. You can work it as slow as you want (not that I recommend it), or you can leave. It's totally up to you. We can talk about whatever you want tomorrow. just try to block out the voice that tells you you have to be small for just a minute so you can think about what you really want.
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