Yesterday - this is a looooong one

I was so pumped to go to the meeting yesterday.  And I prepared for it.  But I looked for the meeting for forty minutes.  I drove up and down the street, I got lost and confused.  at the edges of my brain was a quiet rage, it's the demeaning rage that I know well, it says to me "you suck, you can't get anything right, the fates are against you anyway, you will always be a characture of a person"  But I fought it.  Look, you win some you lose some.  I have had a really busy last week and I am working on so so many things.  I have felt good and gone over one week without breaking my abstainence and that's something right there.  I felt bad that I couldn't, just didn't make it to any meetings this week and didn't connect in person with anyone in OA.  I have issues with secluding myself and trying to "fix myself" before others see me so I know it's important... BUT I JUST WASN'T ABLE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.  So, back to me, riding the bike yesterday in confusion.  After the clock hit 11:40 (the meeting began at 11) I cut my losses and made a new  plan.  Okay, Barnes and Noble, I'll go and look for Anorexics and Bulemics Anonymous.  There's no reason to not do anything, I can work on ED.  So I did.  I went B&N.  They didn't have that book but I had brought Eating By The Light of The Moon with me and my journal and I sat down at a table and went to work.  That's not bad! then I scheduled and there happened to be a Trader Joes next door so I bought my lunch and snacks for work there.  Not a loss.  I also looked at work out books.  I really want a plan or a trainer.  I don't want to panic or wonder if I'm training too much or too little, I want a plan, just like a plan of eating.  

So all in all, it was not a loss, but I know the further away from the vine I am the less nutrients I get.  I have to find accessable meetings and my phone must be fixed by this week.  The reason it's taking so long is that, along with the fact that I couldn't get the insurance company to realize that every time they "reset" it, it just goes back to its old habits, I also can't call on my phone to talk to them, so I have to be in a place where I can use another phone (someone elses) AND be able to stay on that phone for like, a half hour.  ugh.

That was yesterday.  And it ended up being pretty good.  I feel like things are going pretty well in my life.  I didn't even realize it but I have become... dare I say it?... assertive!!  It was brought to my attention this week in a few ways:

one. we had issues with the cradle, the cradle where my life hangs in the balance.  During a show the cradle dropped a few inches with me in it and then caught on the brake.  long story short the guys were freaked out and I talked to gary.  He and his assistant looked at me like I was pulling the diva card!  He basically said what happened couldn't have happened EVEN THOUGH IT DID AND THERE'S VIDEO PROOF.  Now, I am the first to admit, I don't know rigging.  However two nights in a row, we had issues with the cables not being tight because the cradle stopped and the ebrake went on before the cradle was all the way up.  I very calmly led gary through trouble shooting the situation "okay, this happened so what are the things that could cause that... okay what is most likely, what is least likely"  he just stared and said "well it wasn't operator error"  I responded "so it must have been mechanical"  "No, everything had been checked there's no way it was mechanical" "so it had to be operator" "no it wasn't operator" AAAHHHHH so you're telling me there's a pink bunny!!!  he asked if I'd feel comfortable just doing cradle the next day.  I looked at him and at Troy and said "well yes, if you think it's safe to do tomorrow, then I will trust you.  Are you sure that even in light of these issues that it is not a danger?"  gary "I think it's fine.  But, it's not me risking my life.  And if it's a cable issue, there's nothing we can do, it'll just fall and you'll get hurt or die, no matter what we do"  thanks Gary, truly.  I said I wouldn't do it and they called in the riggers and guess what, there was an issue and now it's fixed AND noone thinks I'm an idiot.  I calmly told Gary what I needed instead of just rolling over!  I am assertive!!!

two.  There's a certain man... I hesitate to use the term... that I was burned by.  I had thought I could just pretend like everything was okay and forget the fact that he used me, then, when he left me, he yelled at me and put me down.  I took it, we worked together.  I was kind.  His girlfriend didn't feel comfortable with him around me so he told me we couldn't be friends like we had been (great friend he was anyway).  I told him I understood.  That was six months ago and he hasn't been working since.  Out of the blue the other night I got a text message from him that said "why don't you like me? It seems like you don't want to be friends"  I was floored, not a word from him, my supposed friend, my lover at one time, silence for the last six months.  I remembered his birthday, he forgot mine... I fell off the face of the earth to him and then he asks me why I don't like him? Old Me is dead, the one that would have spent all her time assuring him that I adored him, that everything was fine, that I had understood why he had to act the way he had.  No way.  New Me called him so that we could talk... he didn't answer!!  I left a message, I said that I hadn't changed, that I had expected to be friends with him through the ups and downs but that he had told me we couldn't be friends and while, yes, I was hurt by the way he treated me, I was by no means holding a grudge.  However, if things changed and he wanted to be friends with me now, it was his responsibility, not mine to get the ball rolling since I was respecting his and his girlfriends wishes to stay away.  I hung up and instantly regretted how nice and understanding I was. This guy crushed me, threw me under the bus for his own gain, ignored me for six months and then has the audacity to ask ME why I don't like him!  I haven't heard back from him.  He's a coward.  I wish him the best, I do care, but enough is enough.  At some point I have to put my foot down and say I won't be treated like a rug. I don't need him and I don't need him to like me or approve of what I do.  I have been so worried that I would just drop everything the minute I saw him to return to where we were, but I won't.  I don't see things the same anymore.  This is the man that asked me to sleep with him after the break up of my life.  He told me it would help me, that he was there for me, that he loved me.  and then, after we did and I felt intimate and close he told me I didn't mean anything to him.  and he dares to tell me that he's been a good friend to me?  None of my friends ever told me that I didn't mean anything to them, that I was just a good time. That's not a friend.  He took me at my most vulnerable and crushed me some more.  He got back together with his ex-girlfriend and didn't tell me, I found out by walking into a party and seeing them together after I had been with him a few days earlier.  Notice would have been nice. However I didn't let it affect the way I acted.  I chatted with them cordially and vowed to deal with it in the comfort of my own home. and then when she found out from someone that he and I had been together she threatened to break up with him and HE CALLED TO YELL AT ME!! I was his scapegoat.  No more.  I don't hate him, but I don't need him either.  I love me and my friends love me and that's enough.  I don't need anyone else too.